The Sensualist

Well, I just had one of the best moments of my entire life - one I will remember forever. It was one of those moments where your emotions and nature conspire together to create perfection.

I was driving home from my parents' house (celebrating my mom's birthday - happy birthday!) and it was raining fairly hard, but there was intense lightning. I just so happened to have Muse's latest CD, The 2nd Law playing, and I decided to pump up the volume to the point of almost being painful (which is how Muse should be listened to).

As I drove down the freeway the music and the lightning together evoked electricity within me. My blood sang.

Let me pause here for a moment to explain the title of this blog entry. "The Sensualist" is a victim type according to Robert Greene's The Art of Seduction, which is a very useful psychological study on what attracts people to each other. Here is a synopsis of a Sensualist:

What marks these types is not their love of pleasure
but their overactive senses. Sometimes they show this quality in their
appearance—their interest in fashion, color, style. But sometimes it is
more subtle: because they are so sensitive, they are often quite shy, and
they will shrink from standing out or being flamboyant. You will recognize them by how responsive they are to their environment, how they
cannot stand a room without sunlight, are depressed by certain colors, or
excited by certain smells. They happen to live in a culture that deemphasizes
sensual experience (except perhaps for the sense of sight). And so
what the Sensualist lacks is precisely enough sensual experiences to appreciate and relish.

I am a Sensualist.

So here I am driving in my car, Muse on really loud, playing "Follow Me." There is a moment in the song when the drum syncopates and the bass drops into dubstep, and at that moment, lightning flashed across the sky.

This is what happened to me:



But seriously, it was an Herbal Essences moment. I was hyperventilating and screaming "yes" over and over. Hahaha. I know it sounds crazy, but this really happened in real life!! And then it happened again on the second chorus!!! I was ecstatic.

The song is really incredible for those who are still skeptical of my enthusiasm. My soul breached another realm where there is no difference between fantasy and reality, and I was sent back to earth to tell you all, MAGIC HAPPENS. It may be just a flicker in your ordinary days, but if you look for it, you will find it.

I am SO IN LOVE with life!!! Here's the song; it is absolutely brilliant.

Why Glee Has Changed My Life

In light of the death of the actor of one of my most favorite characters on Glee, Cory Monteith, I've decided to finally write the blog that ennumerates why I love Glee, and why I think I needed it in my life. For those of you who are haters, please stop reading now, and I don't want to hear your opinion. Thank you!

1. Glee taught me to stand up for myself. Not in a beat up everyone, bitterly condescending, backstabbing way. In a way that says, "This is who I am. It's not perfect, but I'm doing my best. If you can't appreciate that, then I don't need your negative influence in my life." There are many times on the show that a character feels like they are being oppressed of under-appreciated, but particularly I want to mention Brittany. She is totally overlooked a lot of the time, but she just keeps going, keeps being herself, and doesn't let what other people say or think about her keep her down, and I think that is awesome, and something that I and many people in the world should learn from.       
2. Glee showed me how to forgive and move on. I know it sounds ridiculous, but because of all the drama in the show, people dating people, then cheating on them, or leaving them for someone else, or spreading rumors, or bullying, or shaming, or a great number of horrid things to each other, the characters always manage to sing it out and be ok with each other. When I first started watching the show, I thought, how on earth can he dump that girl and be with another girl right in front of her face and she doesn't try to strangle him? But then I really began to think about it, and decided that my feelings of hurt and revenge were probably pretty extreme, and it took another extreme (because I still don't believe that people could completely forgive each other in such short amounts of time, but they can start the healing immediately) to counterbalance my mentality and bring me into the middle. Forgiveness is essential to human happiness, and we should be forgiving everyone regardless of how they've hurt us. Which leads me to my next point:
3. Glee showed me that everyone has value. It doesn't matter how different you are from someone, or what they've done/been through, or where they are from, or how intelligent or talented they are, every person on this planet has value and something to offer the world. We must remember that and treat everyone in a way that shows we understand they have value including ourselves. You, and everyone around you, has something inside of you that can change the world, so believe in yourself, believe in others, and share your light (talent, love, etc.) with everyone. The characters in Glee are always getting picked on, made fun of, etc., but they come to glee club and know that everyone there is their family, they are safe, and are appreciated. I want to create that kind of environment for anyone that I come in contact with.
4. Glee taught me that love is selfless. This lesson came primarily from Finn (Cory's character). Now, I've been taught this my whole life, but it is another thing to see it played out before you (even if it is a written script and acting). Two occasions I'd like to point out. First, at a high time of bullying for Kurt Hummel, Finn's future step-brother, Finn dresses up like a lobster (Lady Gaga style) and stands up to the football team (of which he is a part) that is harassing Kurt. Finn at that point makes a choice that he loves his friend/step-brother more than he loves his reputation or his team or other friends, and never backs down from that. He never turns his back on Kurt again.  Next, Finn takes his fiancee Rachel to the train station instead of the courthouse on the day they are supposed to get married so she can pursue her dreams of school in New York and Broadway. Enough said there, I will let this video say the rest:

Now for less serious things that Glee gave me.

• The desire to start taking voice lessons again (although that was pretty life-changing)
• A way to get certain friends to listen to amazing classic rock songs!!
• Another wonderful fandom (as if I need more)

That's all. Glee is awesome. I am devastated that my favorite character (and ideal for my future husband, let's be honest) can no longer be a part of the show, but I am grateful for what he gave the world while he was alive. Thanks, Cory.

My Soul Purpose

This post is inspired by Glee and The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and of course LDS general conference.

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday, and I found it to be a very touching movie. I wouldn't recommend if for everyone, but if you're like me and you enjoy stories where people face (and sometimes conquer, but sometimes don't conquer) the harsh realities of life, especially growing up, I would highly recommend it.

It touched me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I related so strongly to the main character. Fortunately, I wasn't abused as a kid; I grew up in a very stable, loving home and my parents still love and support me, all my sisters, and each other. I consider myself extremely lucky for that. Nor did my friends in high school drug me for entertainment (although some of them wanted to). But Charlie said a line in there that struck me like playing the harp with my veins. It was something like: Do you ever feel like if you really shared what was in your head, everyone around you would think you're crazy?

Like I said, I lived a normal, happy childhood (well, considering I wasn't really a normal kid), but once I became a teenager, I started experiencing things that were hard, and dark. Maybe my friends haven't shared everything with me, but in comparing experiences back then, and with friends I have now, of middle school and high school, I kinda think a lot of the things I experienced were outside of the normal range of growing up, finding yourself, dealing-with-hormones-and-feelings-you've-never-had-before experiences.

When I was in high school, I was obsessed with someone, just one person, understanding me and where I was coming from. So much so that I poured my heart out to so many people, most of whom didn't really care or honestly couldn't relate. I don't blame any of them, and quite honestly, wouldn't be surprised if everyone who went to high school with me thinks I'm completely crazy, including the ones I'm still in contact with (and thank you, for sticking around). When I finally realized that I was making things worse for myself, I stopped sharing so much, and started feeling like a normal person.

But Kelly Clarkson's song "Dark Side" put a bolt through my heart. I know, and have known, everyone has a dark side. Still I've refused to believe that anyone's is like mine. Some are certainly worse. Some are comparatively trivial. But the song opened up to me the possibility of finally letting someone back in.

Glee has often struck chords within me, addressing the challenges teenagers face in so many decisions that they are not well-equipped to make, and reminding me of the decisions I've made, and also giving me a little motivation to follow my dreams (yeah, it's cheesy, but everything about Glee is, so deal with it). In the episode I caught up on tonight, Rachel gives this speech to Finn about how he was her first love. And once again, the chords in my heart sang. My first love, he did all those things for me that Rachel said Finn did for her: made her feel visible, and sexy, and loved. And if he could do that once, when we were 17, as the only person who knew (and still knows) the depth and breadth of my dark side, I can trust and have faith that someone else can do that again. If he reads this, I want to thank him, for being the only man who ever understood me. And I hope he remembers that I will always love him.

But that's not the point of this post. The point is that I have a dark side, but I have worked hard and long to tame and control it, and it doesn't rule me. It doesn't drive me. Now it's there to remind me of my soul purpose: to do whatever I can to prevent others from feeling small, helpless, or unlovable. I'm nowhere near perfect at it, but I am going to do something every day for the rest of my life to work at it.

This song feels right at the moment. Wonderful track from Muse's new album The 2nd Law (out last Tuesday, shameless plug to check it out because it will shift your music paradigm), sung by the bassist Chris Wolstenholme. It's called "Save Me."

To conclude, I have to give credit for everything to my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. They made me who I am, good and dark, and I love every bit of where I've been to get me here. And the only reason I know I'll survive the rest of the future is through Them and Their plan. I know I have a long journey ahead, but I've learned that as long as I keep moving my legs, They will make sure my foot falls in the right place. This weekend I was reminded of that so many times, so with renewed conviction, I'm following my dreams and fulfilling my soul purpose.

What I Learned from Britney Spears

So I went on a cruise to Mexico over this past week. I'm not going to blog about it. Sorry.

But I am going to blog about one experience that I had on the cruise, the highlight of the cruise (or at least the parts where we were on the ship) for me. A truly life-changing experience.

They had a show called Carnival Legends where any old person on the cruise could audition by going to karaoke and singing a song by one of the legendary artists they were going to present at the show. I thought there was no harm in trying out. At the very least it'd give me some experience and feedback for my voice lessons.

So I went, and I signed up to try out for Madonna and Aretha Franklin. Unfortunately there were some women (who were awesome) that pleased the crowd a little better than I did. But then the DJ announced that no one had signed up to audition for Britney Spears. So I thought, why not. Another girl signed up right when I did, and I sang terribly for the audition (Britney's always been a little low for me). But when the crowd cheered for me, they erupted! I was seriously hit by a wall of screaming and clapping. It was the craziest sensation I've ever had. And thus I became Britney Spears for the show.

The girl who was Madonna actually offered to switch me, but I decided to stick with Britney because I knew the song better (Baby One More Time) and because for some reason, it just felt right.

The night of the performance came and I didn't feel nervous. For once I just felt...I practiced, I'll do my best, I'll let go and have fun and who cares what the outcome is. My friends did my make up (which I hadn't worn at all in months) and I looked fantastic.

I sang terribly. My dance moves were probably hilarious (I haven't watched the DVD yet). But the crowd of 900 that was watching me cheered. I entertained them. My off-pitch singing and my naive, curvy white girl moves were entertaining.

Afterwards, I felt great. Even though I knew I'd not sung to the best of my ability. I went out in front of a larger crowd than I ever had, I had fun, and I entertained. I was Britney Spears.

 (Sorry, I cannot get the pic to upload vertically). I loved the way I looked and felt so much, that right then and there I made some changes in my attitude.

1. It's ok to get made up and pamper myself, even if it costs a lot sometimes. Because I deserve to feel like I look amazing, and that will reflect in my mood and attitude and how I interact with others. So it's worth the extra money and time sometimes.

2. I don't have to perform perfectly in everything I do. It's ok to be human and to be less than the best, as long as you are your best. So just live and have fun. You don't have to be perfect at living. You just have to actually live. So you let go of control, and you dive head first into whatever you want, even if you have no idea how long it will last. Because if it makes you happy, helps you grow and learn, or changes you for the better, it's worth it, even if it's fleeting.

So, I came home and colored my hair a darker blonde and got bangs cut in. Because I needed to feel different and special, and also needed a physical reminder of what I've learned from Britney Spears.

Also, I listened to 3 country songs today, all the way through. Because I decided that part of jumping in and appreciating growth and change in myself should involve branching out and exploring uncharted territory. Am I a country fan? Not yet, but I think I might find some virtue in it. :)

I AM a Rocker Chick

So last night I went to see Rock of Ages which was offensively trashy and I don't recommend anyone to see it (and you know that's a big deal coming from me). But I also went to see Def Leppard, Poison, and Scorpions in concert this month. And I have come to this conclusion: classic rock music ignites my soul. Not just my body. Not just my spirit. My soul.

There were a few good things about the movie which I will use to illustrate why rock music is so wonderful.

• Rock tells stories. 

The lyrics to rock songs may not tell stories over a plot arch the way that country and rap tend to do. It's much more subtle, but thereby more relatable and  intrepretable by a wider audience. The stories rock tells are about the every day lives of ordinary people. Take for example, the song "Let's Get Rocked" by Def Leppard. First verse is about an "average ordinary everyday kid" and the second is about an "average ordinary everyday dude," both who just want to live life their own way without anyone telling them how. Or "The Zoo" by Scorpions. About a couple who spend a fun night on the town. People do these things in real life. Everyone can relate to this. Then there is also the many, many rock songs that address the issues of humanity as a whole, such as "Humanity" by Scorpions, or "Bicycle" by Queen. Or "Bohemian Rhapsody."

One of my favorite Scorpions songs.

• Rock is emotional.

 Anyone who knows me knows that there is little I love more in this life than passion. I'm in favor of anything that is done with passion. And rock is always done with passion. And it's not stuck in one passion or another. It's not always about sex, it's not always about drugs, and it's not always about rock and roll (although it is sometimes each of these). I've actually come to realize that a huge portion of rock songs are about trying to get through the mundane parts of life and feel alive once in a while. "Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. She took the midnight train going anywhere..." - Don't Stop Believing: Journey. "When the bombs and the devils and the kids keep on comin', no way to breathe easy no time to be young" - Crazy on You: Heart. And another huge portion is about figuring love out (of course, this is the eternal question for all artists, and could be considered a sub-category to the previous). "I would try to change the things that killed our love" - Still Loving You: Scorpions. "I've been waiting for a girl like you, a love that will survive" - Waiting for a Girl Like You: Foreigner. Again, these are emotions that everyone can relate to: growing up, figuring life out, regret, infatuation/falling in love/giddiness depending on the intention. And my personal favorite thing about these rock concerts is that the passion comes through on the band's faces - all the members - and ignites the crowd.

C.C. DeVille of Poison killing it.

• Rock just rocks.

To anyone who listens, there is a hinge that started in the 90s, where rock music changed. I think a lot of music changed, but rock was pretty drastic. Some people blame this change on Nirvana, but that's another blog post. So the rock that I am talking about in this post is not alternative, or heavy metal, or "soft rock" (whatever that is). It is Grade A, Premium, Extra Large ROCK. I'm talking electric guitars with solos in every song. I'm talking the drummer goes crazy and rips his shirt off every other song. I'm talking the stuff that takes incredible skill to play and blasting vocals to sing. The stuff that sounds different in every song (yes, that is possible!). This is why it imbues my soul with fire. It is not average, it is not humdrum in the background. It commands your attention. It is bright, edgy, glamourous. It is meant to be heard!

Scorpions rocking my face off.

So for those of you who might believe that rock is devilish, to you I say: if it is wrong for humanity to try to understand and then express itself, what is the point of living? I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the juke box, baby.

Heroes: Ann and Nancy Wilson

So, a few weeks ago, Jill and I went to see Heart and Def Leppard in concert. It was the third Def Leppard concert we've seen together. But it was Heart that I was really going for. Heart is definitely one of my top three bands of all time (with Muse and Foreigner). And I always worry that I won't get a chance to see my favorite classic rock bands in concert before it's too late, so I always grab the chance.

I've seen a lot of concerts, but something about this one was different. I know a bit about the story of Ann and Nancy Wilson, and I'd been looking forward to seeing them in concert, interacting with each other, observing the sisterly bond. It was there: they complimented each other and talked of the support and talent they'd provided for each other over the years. I found that quite remarkable.

But the thing that really got to me was the courage of their concert. As a concert goes, the lighting was very simple, wardrobe simple, effects practically non-existant. But the energy flow from Ann and Nancy, and their performance - unmatchable. Nancy, a 57-year-old woman, was jumping around on stage during her guitar solos - she did a toe touch in the middle of the intro to "Crazy on You." And Ann...was unbelievable.

Usually in concerts, the songs are a little different from the recordings. Notes held a little longer, a few extra runs thrown in, whatever. But Ann was totally unafraid to mix up the tempo and sing whatever in the world came to her head, and pulled it off completely brilliantly. I wish I had a recording to share. But for example, after the second chorus in "Crazy on You," she slowed down so much, people thought the song was over (I knew better because I'd been waiting for my favorite line which hadn't come yet!). And I already knew she knows how to bust it out...but live, it was mind-blowing busting. She just sang...as though to stop singing meant to die. I felt like her heart, the spirit and the emotions, was tangible through the sound of her voice. I know it absolutely doesn't make sense, but I'm still blown away.

Knowing Ann's history, I thought about the things she must've gone through mentally to become what she is. To be able to stand on that stage and blast the ears and minds of thousands of people...you must have a ton of confidence, or a ton of gumption (probably both).

So I realized something, between "Crazy on You" and "Barracuda" somewhere. What's the point in holding back? Sing, whatever you want, as loud as you can. Do it differently than what people expect. Do it the way it makes you happy. You'll discover your boundaries and limits, and you'll become stronger within them, and gain the ability to stretch them. And no one in the world can rightly scoff at you for passionately pursuing something you legitimately love. It will be hard work, and you'll have to keep trying and keep getting up every day, but when you right the right note with the right power, the whole world will stop and notice. So just keep singing until you get there.

 

Thank you, Ann Wilson (and Nancy cause that toe touch was awesome!).

July: Month of Action! 4th Weekend

This weekend was also most excellent, but first one event from the previous weekend I forgot to mention: I tested for my blue belt in karate!! I tested after only being in karate for seven months, which is pretty awesome because usually it takes 9-12 months to get to your blue belt. :)

So on July 21st, a Thursday, a wonderful event happened. My dear friend Remington came down from Rexburg to go the the Foreinger and Journey concert with me!! It was spectacular. Foreigner is one of my top 3 favorite bands (with Muse and Heart), and I had previously gone to a concert where they played, but missed their entire act because traffic was so horrible! So I was STOKED when I found out they were coming again. And Journey is just disgustingly awesome, and no one can deny it.

So we went to the concert and it was incredible! Night Ranger was the opening band, and even though I only recognized one of their songs they put on an awesome show. Respect. It definitely set up the right mood.

Then Foreigner came on....oh my heart had wings. They played all my favorites, "Urgent," "Cold as Ice," "Hot Blooded," of course, and came back for an encore with "Juke Box Hero"! which is probably one of the most brilliant songs of all time! Remington and I found out we are both associated among our separate circles of friends with that song, and I bought the shirt for it, too. Beautiful. Wonderful!! I was in rapture.

By the time Journey got to the stage, it was too dark to get very good pictures, plus their light show was amazing (almost as amazing as Muse!) so that made it even more difficult. But they were completely rockin' in concert!! The new singer is incredible! He sang with ultimate intensity and was jumping all over the stage and totally melting everyone's face off. The lead guitar rocked the solos too....it was just brilliant. Without doubt, this was the 2nd best concert I've ever seen!

The next evening was Alyssa's wedding reception, which was a brilliant masquerade ball. I thought that was pretty much an awesome idea and I'm a little sad I couldn't use it first...but I'm sure I'll come up with something equally brilliant. My favorite part was of course, the exotic cheese selection, but followed closely by the fact we got to wear a little bit fancier dresses than normal and wear masks all night! Sarah, Kristan and I went around the wooded areas (it was held in a park) and took a lot of vanity pictures. So I'll end with those and for more practical details of the receptions, see Jill's blog post.

Also, Saturday, July 23rd, was my one year anniversary of graduation from BYU-Idaho. :)

A New Life

So I have this wonderful friend who is also a writer, much, much better than I am, and we bounce ideas off each other, critique each other's work, edit each other's grammar, and everything fantastic and English nerdy. The other day he emailed me a synopsis for a novel that he wants to write, and just the synopsis was so inspiring that I decided I needed to change my life. Haha. Which is a good thing, because until I told him how amazing it was, he was going to scrap the whole idea and the world would've been deprived of a fantastically written and truly inspiring sci-fi novel. :)

As a step in my new life, I have come up with a New Life Theme Music cd. I could probably write an entire blog for each song and why it has affected me so much lately, but I'll try to be more brief (haha! like I was ever brief!)

1. Easier to Run - Linkin Park. I like this song right now, because it recognizes how hard it is to change, especially when you are struggling to overcome a shameful/dark/broken past. The speaker says it's easier to run, but he never says he does run. And I have felt that way many, many times since moving back home in November.
2. A New Life - from Jekyll and Hyde sung by Linda Eder. I think this is kinda self-explanatory given the name of the mix. Haha. But this song is about the hope, and also the reality of starting over. There is uncertainty, but conviction that you will make it through.
3. Never Too Late - Three Days Grace. I was telling my friend last Thursday about Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah and how they went from the "very vilest of sinners" (see Mosiah 28:4) to men whose power would shake the jaws of hell (Alma 48:17-18). I told my friend I loved that idea...that no matter how far you've gone, it's never too late to start over. And if you're granted enough time, you can even make it to the extreme opposite. :)
4. Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park. I used to despise this song because of the people it reminded me of, and I still don't love it, but it has merit. First of all, it says "I'm breaking the habit tonight," which again indicates that idea of turning around, and immediately. There's no point in waiting. Also, I love the line "I don't know how I got this way; I know it's not all right," because sometimes...you don't know why something happened, and you don't need to know. You just need to fix it.
5. Candles - Hey Monday (I have the Glee version though). This song is about getting over someone, and being okay with being alone and on your own for a while. Honestly this idea is pretty new to me, not that I always felt like I needed a boyfriend or anything to feel worthwhile, but I do think that I used other people to define me...and I don't need to. I can define myself.
6. Many a New Day - from Oklahoma! This song is specifically about not mourning about losing a man in your life, but the message I'm taking from it is there's no need to dwell on or regret something that happened to you. It happened, it's done, now move on. And I don't think I'm always good at that (I'm probably better at it when it comes to guys, but not other things...).
7. Winter's on the Wing - from The Secret Garden. Snow and cold melting into green, warmth, and new life. Plus the singer has a hot Scottish accent. :)
8. Blackbird - The Beatles (again I have the Glee version). The image in this song makes me think of a little bird standing on the edge of a darkness...a tunnel, forest, whatever, about to take flight into it. This is a pretty common idea...taking a leap of faith into the dark and trusting it will turn out okay. I also like the lyrics: "All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise," which to me indicate that the bird will take this chance to fly higher than it ever had before.
9. Thank U - Alanis Morissette. This song pretty much exactly describes a lot of the little goals and things I want to clean up in my life, like "How about stopping eating when I'm full up?" Also, "How about how good it feels to finally forgive you?" because there are a few loose ends that have been tangling me up for a while, and I finally took care of them. Other lines I really love: "How about me enjoying the moment for once? How about no longer being masochistic? How about remembering your divinity? How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out?"
10. Say the Same - Hoobastank. This song is about parting ways with someone who was a big part of your life...also something I've been trying to do.The great thing about the song is that it isn't a parting because of hate or strife, it's simply because that person's purpose is done; you're just going separate ways. It addresses appreciation for having these people in your life, admiration, adoration, etc, but in the end, you're just separating, and that's fine. Being back at home sometimes gives you this sense of obligation to bet together and bff again with the people you used to be bff with. But...truth is, you've all beem apart and grown and you're all different now. And that's ok, you don't have to be bff again.
11. Hello - Lionel Richie (also covered by Incubus, but I have the Glee version which is fantastic). This song is just plain beautiful. Also, the way I interpret it is an address to a future lover. I'm trying to follow the advice to become the person you want to marry...so this is something that influences a lot of my decisions.
12. As If We Never Said Goodbye - from Sunset Blvd (also covered by Barbara Streisand, but I of course, have the Glee version). This is another one on the theme of coming home. Ever since I went up to school for the first time, being back in Murray, or Utah at all (except Logan for a few days at a time...sometimes), was absolutely miserable. I didn't keep it a secret that I hated being back in Murray. But this time, since I don't know how long I'll be here, or how I'll escape, I decided I need to face the music and find a way to enjoy it. I've taken up some new hobbies, new hang outs, and most importantly, addressed some unfinished business that makes living here much more pleasant.
13. Moving Forward - Hoobastank. I think the name is self-explanatory, but these lyrics are even more telling: "I'll take the first step of a million more, and I'll make mistakes I've never made before, but at least I'm moving forward." I'm definitely a perfectionist, and I don't like making mistakes. So I've been trying to keep this song in mind as I explore uncharted territories.
14. He Lives in You - from The Lion King (the Broadway musical). Gotta bring The Lion King in to take this to a spiritual level. I can't forget how important it is to stay true to who I am, a daughter of a Heavenly Father, and keep Him a part of me while I take my life in a different path.
15. The First of Me - Hoobastank. This song addresses the challenge of being true to yourself and not selling your soul out in a world that is constantly offering so-called prizes in exchange for that soul. This is something I believe very strongly in, and is something that I will take any measure in the world to maintain.
16. Born This Way - Lady Gaga (but I put the Glee version on this mix cause it's better!). It's also important to remember where you've come from and what good things you bring into the world. Everyone has talents and gifts to offer the world, and everyone is beautiful in their own way. And God doesn't make mistakes! So all those pieces of you that are good...those should stay, and you should cultivate them and harness their power. :)
17. Raise Your Glass - Pink (but once again, I put the Glee version in my mix. :) ). This one is just on there because in the end, I want to accept who I am and party with it. :)

Before I end this, I must make another note. I originally made this list without the Linkin Park songs, but I felt like something was missing. I kept thinking, there must be a band who sings about the pain of change, because so far everything else was so optimistic and upbeat, but I also wanted to address the reality of change, especially when you're trying to change your character. It hurts, and it's hard. Back in high school, I loved Linkin Park because I felt they exactly expressed a lot of the pain/frustration/anger I felt during that time of my life. So I don't know why it took me a few days to realize Linkin Park was the band I was looking for, but I am grateful that pain is something universal, and I'm also grateful for what I learn from it. :)

Muse. In Concert.

Jill and I getting very excited!

The intro.

Awesome lights during "New Born" (Also used in "Undisclosed Desires)

Big Brother's eyes fall from the ceiling during "Plug-In Baby"

Either "The United States of Eurasia" of "Exogenesis Symphony I"

"Knights of Cydonia"

This is how I feel about Muse.

The Muse concert was SO AMAZING!!!!!!! They opened with "Uprising" and then "Resistance." Then "Newborn" which was a total surprise (because it's one of their oldest songs). The lights and special effects were incredible. They had three skyscrapers on stage and they started playing and people started marching up the skycrapers and then they fell down and Muse was inside (just as I predicted). They flashed the words two several songs across the skyscrapers, and the platforms raised and fell...they were really all over the stage and several times Matthew Bellamy slid on his knees with his guitar, just like a true rockstar (because he is). My favorite was the green lasers used during "Newborn" and "Undisclosed Desires." What I think I loved the most about the concert is that no time was wasted chatting with the audience. It was non-stop rock. Everything was phenomenal. "Hysteria" sent me into a hysteria. During "Time is Running Out" I really wished Miriam had been there to sing at the top of her lungs with me. I'm pretty sure it was at that point when my voice left me cracking. The only moment of disappointment didn't come from Muse, it came from all the girlish squeals that erupted from the pseudo-fans at the beginninng of "Supermassive Black Hole." But the entire audience singing the chorus for both "Time is Running Out" and "Plug-In Baby" (a definitely less-well known song of Muse's) completely made up for that. During the encore they played Exogenesis, Stockholm Syndrome, and Knights of Cydonia, three of my favorites. They were all my favorites, of course. *sigh*

My life is complete. If I died now, I would die happy. Perhaps not fulfilled, but happy. And I wouldn't mind at all.

I want to wear my Muse shirt forever. I want to be buried in it.

This is all litotes to how I really feel. How I really feel is beyond my capacity to capture. My heart is on the verge of rupturing at the thought that I actually saw Muse live in concert. Never have I felt such deep joy.

To understand what I felt, you would've had to see me clutching my heart and screaming and singing every lyric with every millimeter of breath I possessed.

Songs they played (so far as I can remember):
Uprising
Resistance
Newborn
Map of the Problematique
Supermassive Black Hole
Time is Running Out
Interlude
Hysteria
The United States of Eurasia
Feeling Good
Undisclosed Desires
Starlight
Unnatural Selection
Plug-In Baby
Exogenesis
Stockholm Syndrome
Knights of Cydonia