Happy Easter Thoughts

Just going to blog about two really important things in one post. Hopefully it doesn't get out of control.

Last week, on March 27, 2013, I received an acceptance letter from my #1 choice of grad school at Edinburgh Napier University in Edinburgh, Scotland in a Masters of Arts in Screenwriting program. I have researched this school and pondered about actually going to grad school for over a year. It was not a decision I made lightly.

It's a huge decision - the expenses will be paid for almost entirely with loans, so I will be incurring more debt than I've ever had. I will be moving to a foreign country - alone this time - to live - alone - for a year. I will be completely on my own when it comes to everything I need to do to survive, from eating to writing a full length feature film. Some of it will be easy, because some of it I've done before. Some of it won't be, because there are some things I will have to do that I've never done on my own before, or I've always had a fail safe Plan B for.

The feelings I felt knowing that I was in the program, and that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing - what I feel like I was made to do - were astronomical. It really was too much for my body to comprehend. Then of course, there trickled in the gravity of what I was really doing. I was consciously taking my whole life, and hefting it into a higher plane of existence. A place that I hadn't known it would go. And that was followed with doubt - how am I going to pay for it? What if the loans don't cover enough and I don't save/earn enough, and I end up homeless in Scotland, or worse, have to leave? What if I don't have the talent it takes to get a career, or even a job, from this degree? What if I fail my classes? What if I get kidnapped? Each doubt more irrational than the one before (cause we all know I'd never get kidnapped - I'd kick their trash before they could take me).

I was battling these feelings - all the while still knowing that this was the right path for me to take - this morning. And then I began to remember this:


Of course because today is Easter, but in my stake, we've had the privilege of studying about the Atonement all month with this amazing 30-day study guide: http://atonementofjesuschrist.blogspot.com/.

And I combined what I'd learned from studying about the Atonement into what is going on in my life right now. What I learned was:

1. Heavenly Father loves me, and each of us, so much that He sent His Only Begotten Son to stuffer every pain imaginable (physical, emotional, and spiritual) so that we would never have to be alone and we could always receive strength from Jesus Christ.
2. Jesus Christ also paid the price for every sin ever committed on this earth, and if we accept that payment (by obedience and our own sacrifices), we can return to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus in glory forever.
3. We only need to call on our Father and Brother to receive the help and strength we need. We should talk to them all the time, really, because having a closer relationship with them makes everything in our lives happier and easier.

Well, here I am, desperately needing help, and with this beautiful knowledge that it is there, waiting for me to take it.

It's still scary, but I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I also know that the Lord will provide for me to grow to the capacity I need to be at to handle the challenges, as well as provide solutions to the challenges I will face...for the rest of my life.

I never would have made it this far without Him, but also wouldn't have made it without a few other people/experiences:

1. Obviously my parents, as well as all my sisters, who have been in examples to me in ways they probably don't even realize.
2. BYU-Idaho, where I realized my passions and purpose, and also learned how to be my own woman and truly find joy in life. As well as meet my two best friends, Diana Toronto and Kristen Cox, and Stephanie Palmer who introduced to me the idea of going to grad school in the UK (and is also a wonderful friend).
3. Living in Germany, which taught me that I am smart and capable, and I can stand on my own two feet without falling. I also made many new best friends there who taught me how to love (Miriam Blanchette), work hard (Hiu Tung Hung), and be patient (Kurt Thatcher).
4. Living in Draper, which has helped me refine so many edges of my personality that I feel like I'm a completely different person because of what I've learned here. I am so grateful for a bishop who challenges me to be more than what I have become. Also so grateful for my other best friend Jill Christensen who has rocked my world into epicness, and Andrew Clark and Jenna Bowman who probably have no idea what a stellar influence they've had on me. :)
5. The opportunity I've had to go to the temple and learn about Heavenly Father's plan for me and all of us. The knowledge I have gained there is more precious than any knowledge I will ever get from school. Also thanks to Rachel Fisihetau, Candace Larsen, and Stephanie Palmer for getting me to go regularly and keeping me going regularly.

I know that I am watched over and loved by a Father in Heaven who knows every bit of me. I am grateful to know of His amazing plan that allows me to return to Him and reach my full potential. I am excited to live His plan and do amazing things with my life (even if I don't know how it will happen!).

Philosophical Crisis

So this morning I was reading in my book, Get a Grip on Philosophy, about Socrates. Socrates reportedly lived this life of self-reflections and virtue, continually questioning in himself and in everyone around him what their innermost motivations were, and how to make those motivations into the absolute best ones. He was put on trial for upsetting so many people by expecting them (untactfully) to improve their wicked ways.

I've never wanted to be self- righteous, but this reminded me of myself. Probably because I recently had an experience where I told someone they needed to change their ways and I lost a friendship from it. But I absolutely don't regret it.

So I began to ponder on the best way to live, thinking about Socrates' questions. Am I living the best life that I can? No, of course not.

Then on the way to church, I was listening to the classical station and they were playing an excerpt from a speech, and the man, don't know who it was, was talking about saying "please" and "thank you," and how a smile, or a compliment, or a thank you card, can all be some of the most important moments in someone's life. And this happens to be something I've been trying to work on forrrrrrrreeeeeeeevvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrr. So then I felt even worse about not living the best life I can.

During church, I don't remember all the thoughts and feelings I had, but I remember a few distinct ones. I remembered how my life has been changed and blessed through the girls that visit taught me and whom I visit taught my freshman year of college. It was brought to my attention how emcompassing the Atonement is, and how it can heal all wounds. I pondered on the things that occupy my thoughts, and what they say about me as a person. And I remembered how much I want to be better about living my testimony and attending the temple.

Then I realized something. It's outlined in 2 Nephi, 2:27:

• Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

God has given us everything we ever need, but whatever we do with it is our choice. I have the tools I need to become a better person. I just need to make the choice now to do it.

The girl who spoke in sacrament meeting put it very well. You just have to fake it 'til you make it. If you are wanting to change something, you wake up one day and tell yourself "I'm the best at (insert changed characteristic here)," and then you keep acting like it until it's comfortable, and then it becomes true through time. I strongly believe in this idea. So many times I have had friends come to me saying that they wish they were something, and I always say, don't wish it, be it. Just start doing it.

I have tried many times to follow my own advice, but usually I lose motivation after a while. I start thinking patterns of "this isn't my natural character," "why should I change this?" or "what's wrong with being a cynically bitter recluse anyway?"

But the truth about all of those excuses is: I don't want to be that way. The person I want to be is someone else. So what if my natural character wants to sit quietly and unnoticed? That doesn't mean that I can't also be friendly and make people's days better.

So I started right away. I spent time with my roommate, which is the first time I have just hung out with her in the 6 weeks we've lived together/known each other. I texted a girl in my ward to tell her that I appreciated her. I complimented the girl I sat next to in sacrament on her singing voice. And it's not going to stop tomorrow or the next day.

What I know is this: God loves me and has given me everything. It is my duty to help Him by uplifting others. It is something I want to do. So I am the best compliment giver ever. I am the best hugger ever. I am the best at telling the truth kindly. And I am the best at calling upon His strength to help me know how to do these things.

For so long I have been trying to figure out who I am, and be it, but so afraid that who I am wouldn't be good enough for some people. But really, every time that's happened, I don't care. If they don't think I'm good enough, I don't need them. Why should I be afraid? Also, I can be whoever I want to be if I make up my mind to do it, so I'm going to do it.

I finally joined Pinterest tonight as an expression of not being afraid to show the world who I am. Odd, trivial maybe. But as a lover of definition and expression, it's about time I did some of my own.