My Rights as a Woman

A little while ago I saw a TED talk about women in the workplace. The woman giving the talk shared a bunch of facts. I can't remember the exact numbers, but it was something like 15% of all executive level jobs are held by women. Which is not enough.


When I heard the fact, before she went on a tirade about how we need more women in the workplace, I thought "hey, that's actually not too bad." But then I was corrected by the speech-giver.

I absolutely support the movement to give women equal opportunity to be leaders and executives and everything else. But I absolutely feel no need for everything to be split 50/50 with men and women.

Because I don't want to be an executive. I don't even want to stay in the workplace for longer than I have to.

Some people might pinpoint this to the way I was brought up, with a stay-at-home mom. But I don't. I went through a phase from about 15-20 years old where I had no desire whatsoever to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to get married and have kids still, on some days, but I also wanted to have power. I wanted to rule some sector of the world. I wanted to make a difference somehow, somewhere.

What happened to that? you might be asking.

Honestly, I dated a guy who changed my mind.

Feminists are slamming on their brakes everywhere.

But let me point out that he didn't change my mind because he thought it was wrong of me to go into the workplace. He fully supported me doing whatever I wanted with my life. But it's because he was the perfect father, or at least my vision of what the perfect father for my kids would be like. And although we only dated for a summer, and I have moved on from him, I haven't moved on from the ideal that he gave me - the way he made me feel about my role in the world - and that was feminine. He made me feel feminine.

Shortly after that, I worked as a nanny. To be honest, I was probably not the first person that should've become a nanny. Like I said, I'd just spent several years with the idea that staying at home with kids was not for me. But as I spent time with these two sweet boys and watched them learn and grow, I could not picture a happier, more meaningful path in life for myself. This was the sector of the world in which I could see myself making a difference - with children and teenagers - with my family.

After that, I've never looked back. And I very much look forward to the day when I go into labor for the first time and never (hopefully) have to work full time again.

Is it wrong for me to want this? Is it a bad thing that I want to raise children and clean my house every day and that I expect to find a husband who will be the main provider (although I have no problem with finding a source of supplementary income which I can provide as well)? Absolutely not. That's what I want, and I'm a human being who deserves to have my own desires which are separate from what society says and thinks.

So, do we need more than 15% of executive jobs to be held by women? Sure, if more than the 15% want to hold the jobs, they should be able to. And if social structure is stopping them, we should fix that.

But for all the women who don't want to hold an executive job, whether they are happy with a lower level job, or go into another career field such as nursing, teaching, dog-grooming, farming, dancing, retail, or fast food, or who want to be a stay-at-home mom, let them be. What we need in society is not 50% of executive jobs to be filled by women. We need a clear path for all women to be what they want to be. Women should do what makes them feel fulfilled and feminine. Which for me is not working in some high-level office job. In fact, I find office jobs to be quite bad for my writing, not just my femininity.

Basically, I feel that my personal talents and strengths are better focused and realized in a home. I can organize and clean like nobody's business. I love running errands and driving around to several destinations per day - really, I do. I love laundry. I love cooking big meals. I love giving kids something creative to do, and watching them explore. I love watching kids learn new things and I watch all my friends' videos they post of their kids learning to roll over or count or whatever. And I LOVE teenagers with all my heart. So being a stay-at-home mom has pretty much become my personal dream job. And no one's going to tell me that's not okay.

Also, if everyone is going to fight so hard for women to get equal rights in the workplace so they can fulfill their dreams, why don't they fight so hard for me to fulfill my dreams by finding me a ginger husband with a kilt? Is that so much harder than 100 years of fighting for women's rights?

Dreams Coming True

When I was a teenager, I belonged to this lovely organization in my church called Young Women.

I loved Young Women. I thrived on it. It was my favorite part of the week. Whenever my leaders asked me to go home and think about something or read something, I actually did. And right away. Whenever they gave me a little bookmark or whatnot with something inspiring on it, I hung it on my wall. By the time I graduated from high school, I had an entire wall, at least eleven feet long, covered from ceiling to baseboards with these little handouts. I was a Young Women NERD.

And in that moment, I desired to lead a group of Young Women myself some day in the future.

Today is that day.

And while I feel that I am still a teenager most of the time, I am thrilled about this opportunity. I don't think I'm the best leader out there, but I know I'm going to try as hard as I can, and that I'm going to love it, a lot.

I feel very lucky to have had the amazing influences of older women in my life through this program. Each of the leaders I had made a huge impact on me, and I still make decisions based on the examples they gave me, and I still want to make them proud. It was like having six more moms in addition to my own.

Not everyone gets so lucky in their delicate teenage years, even those who have Young Women in their life. I am sincerely grateful for the blessing that experience was for me.

I think the best thing that Young Women taught me was this: I am worth something, and that worth was given to me by God and no one and nothing can ever take it away. If I could teach that to one girl, I would feel like I succeeded for the rest of my life.

Women change the world. I'm grateful that I belong to a religion which believes that so fiercely they teach it to girls of every age.

Roles

Today, I took on a new role in my life. That is the role of Aunt.

My little sister had a daughter today. 8 lbs, 5 oz. 21 in.

It got me thinking about the various titles and roles we each take in our lives. I didn't ask for the role of being an aunt. It was thrust upon me. Not that I'm not happy about it, because I am beyond this world happy about it. :) But there are roles that we choose: wife, mother, friend. And roles that happen to us: daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother. There is a different sweetness in each kind of role. It's wonderful to think you've made the choice to be something for someone. It's a different kind of wonderful to think that someone chose you to be something for them, in a way.

I hope my niece is happy with her choice of an aunt (well, all six of her aunts, just on my side). I want to do my best to make her happy about it. Hopefully she likes the very Scottish Christmas present I got her. :)

Here is a picture of my mom holding the baby:





I'm excited to explore this new role and all its possibilities. I'm grateful for this opportunity. And I'm grateful to be a part of a family, especially one that is changing and growing. I'm excited for the prospect of my own changing and growing family someday. :)

Happy Easter Thoughts

Just going to blog about two really important things in one post. Hopefully it doesn't get out of control.

Last week, on March 27, 2013, I received an acceptance letter from my #1 choice of grad school at Edinburgh Napier University in Edinburgh, Scotland in a Masters of Arts in Screenwriting program. I have researched this school and pondered about actually going to grad school for over a year. It was not a decision I made lightly.

It's a huge decision - the expenses will be paid for almost entirely with loans, so I will be incurring more debt than I've ever had. I will be moving to a foreign country - alone this time - to live - alone - for a year. I will be completely on my own when it comes to everything I need to do to survive, from eating to writing a full length feature film. Some of it will be easy, because some of it I've done before. Some of it won't be, because there are some things I will have to do that I've never done on my own before, or I've always had a fail safe Plan B for.

The feelings I felt knowing that I was in the program, and that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing - what I feel like I was made to do - were astronomical. It really was too much for my body to comprehend. Then of course, there trickled in the gravity of what I was really doing. I was consciously taking my whole life, and hefting it into a higher plane of existence. A place that I hadn't known it would go. And that was followed with doubt - how am I going to pay for it? What if the loans don't cover enough and I don't save/earn enough, and I end up homeless in Scotland, or worse, have to leave? What if I don't have the talent it takes to get a career, or even a job, from this degree? What if I fail my classes? What if I get kidnapped? Each doubt more irrational than the one before (cause we all know I'd never get kidnapped - I'd kick their trash before they could take me).

I was battling these feelings - all the while still knowing that this was the right path for me to take - this morning. And then I began to remember this:


Of course because today is Easter, but in my stake, we've had the privilege of studying about the Atonement all month with this amazing 30-day study guide: http://atonementofjesuschrist.blogspot.com/.

And I combined what I'd learned from studying about the Atonement into what is going on in my life right now. What I learned was:

1. Heavenly Father loves me, and each of us, so much that He sent His Only Begotten Son to stuffer every pain imaginable (physical, emotional, and spiritual) so that we would never have to be alone and we could always receive strength from Jesus Christ.
2. Jesus Christ also paid the price for every sin ever committed on this earth, and if we accept that payment (by obedience and our own sacrifices), we can return to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus in glory forever.
3. We only need to call on our Father and Brother to receive the help and strength we need. We should talk to them all the time, really, because having a closer relationship with them makes everything in our lives happier and easier.

Well, here I am, desperately needing help, and with this beautiful knowledge that it is there, waiting for me to take it.

It's still scary, but I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I also know that the Lord will provide for me to grow to the capacity I need to be at to handle the challenges, as well as provide solutions to the challenges I will face...for the rest of my life.

I never would have made it this far without Him, but also wouldn't have made it without a few other people/experiences:

1. Obviously my parents, as well as all my sisters, who have been in examples to me in ways they probably don't even realize.
2. BYU-Idaho, where I realized my passions and purpose, and also learned how to be my own woman and truly find joy in life. As well as meet my two best friends, Diana Toronto and Kristen Cox, and Stephanie Palmer who introduced to me the idea of going to grad school in the UK (and is also a wonderful friend).
3. Living in Germany, which taught me that I am smart and capable, and I can stand on my own two feet without falling. I also made many new best friends there who taught me how to love (Miriam Blanchette), work hard (Hiu Tung Hung), and be patient (Kurt Thatcher).
4. Living in Draper, which has helped me refine so many edges of my personality that I feel like I'm a completely different person because of what I've learned here. I am so grateful for a bishop who challenges me to be more than what I have become. Also so grateful for my other best friend Jill Christensen who has rocked my world into epicness, and Andrew Clark and Jenna Bowman who probably have no idea what a stellar influence they've had on me. :)
5. The opportunity I've had to go to the temple and learn about Heavenly Father's plan for me and all of us. The knowledge I have gained there is more precious than any knowledge I will ever get from school. Also thanks to Rachel Fisihetau, Candace Larsen, and Stephanie Palmer for getting me to go regularly and keeping me going regularly.

I know that I am watched over and loved by a Father in Heaven who knows every bit of me. I am grateful to know of His amazing plan that allows me to return to Him and reach my full potential. I am excited to live His plan and do amazing things with my life (even if I don't know how it will happen!).

My Soul Purpose

This post is inspired by Glee and The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and of course LDS general conference.

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday, and I found it to be a very touching movie. I wouldn't recommend if for everyone, but if you're like me and you enjoy stories where people face (and sometimes conquer, but sometimes don't conquer) the harsh realities of life, especially growing up, I would highly recommend it.

It touched me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I related so strongly to the main character. Fortunately, I wasn't abused as a kid; I grew up in a very stable, loving home and my parents still love and support me, all my sisters, and each other. I consider myself extremely lucky for that. Nor did my friends in high school drug me for entertainment (although some of them wanted to). But Charlie said a line in there that struck me like playing the harp with my veins. It was something like: Do you ever feel like if you really shared what was in your head, everyone around you would think you're crazy?

Like I said, I lived a normal, happy childhood (well, considering I wasn't really a normal kid), but once I became a teenager, I started experiencing things that were hard, and dark. Maybe my friends haven't shared everything with me, but in comparing experiences back then, and with friends I have now, of middle school and high school, I kinda think a lot of the things I experienced were outside of the normal range of growing up, finding yourself, dealing-with-hormones-and-feelings-you've-never-had-before experiences.

When I was in high school, I was obsessed with someone, just one person, understanding me and where I was coming from. So much so that I poured my heart out to so many people, most of whom didn't really care or honestly couldn't relate. I don't blame any of them, and quite honestly, wouldn't be surprised if everyone who went to high school with me thinks I'm completely crazy, including the ones I'm still in contact with (and thank you, for sticking around). When I finally realized that I was making things worse for myself, I stopped sharing so much, and started feeling like a normal person.

But Kelly Clarkson's song "Dark Side" put a bolt through my heart. I know, and have known, everyone has a dark side. Still I've refused to believe that anyone's is like mine. Some are certainly worse. Some are comparatively trivial. But the song opened up to me the possibility of finally letting someone back in.

Glee has often struck chords within me, addressing the challenges teenagers face in so many decisions that they are not well-equipped to make, and reminding me of the decisions I've made, and also giving me a little motivation to follow my dreams (yeah, it's cheesy, but everything about Glee is, so deal with it). In the episode I caught up on tonight, Rachel gives this speech to Finn about how he was her first love. And once again, the chords in my heart sang. My first love, he did all those things for me that Rachel said Finn did for her: made her feel visible, and sexy, and loved. And if he could do that once, when we were 17, as the only person who knew (and still knows) the depth and breadth of my dark side, I can trust and have faith that someone else can do that again. If he reads this, I want to thank him, for being the only man who ever understood me. And I hope he remembers that I will always love him.

But that's not the point of this post. The point is that I have a dark side, but I have worked hard and long to tame and control it, and it doesn't rule me. It doesn't drive me. Now it's there to remind me of my soul purpose: to do whatever I can to prevent others from feeling small, helpless, or unlovable. I'm nowhere near perfect at it, but I am going to do something every day for the rest of my life to work at it.

This song feels right at the moment. Wonderful track from Muse's new album The 2nd Law (out last Tuesday, shameless plug to check it out because it will shift your music paradigm), sung by the bassist Chris Wolstenholme. It's called "Save Me."

To conclude, I have to give credit for everything to my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. They made me who I am, good and dark, and I love every bit of where I've been to get me here. And the only reason I know I'll survive the rest of the future is through Them and Their plan. I know I have a long journey ahead, but I've learned that as long as I keep moving my legs, They will make sure my foot falls in the right place. This weekend I was reminded of that so many times, so with renewed conviction, I'm following my dreams and fulfilling my soul purpose.

As We Express Our Gratitude, We Must Never Forget that the Highest Appreciation is Not to Utter Words, but to Live by Them.

That title is a quote by John F. Kennedy, and I think it's brilliant. I've never been good at directly expressing gratitude verbally, so instead I try to come up with lots of other ways to say it - gifts, service, hugs, whatever else may come to mind depending on the situation. But here I'd like to verbally express some things that I've become more deeply grateful for over this year, especially in the past few months.

1. Old Friends That Never Get Old. I've managed to hold on to a lot of these. And I love it. There is nothing that makes me happier than a call or text, out of nowhere, from someone who I've been friends with for a long time. I think there is a sweet joy that comes only from a friendship that doesn't require constant attention, but is still in perfect condition when you come back to it. When you find those people with whom you know affection will never strain, you receive a peace that is unique and satisfying in a way that cannot come by any other means.

2. New Friends that Bring New Life. Lately I've made a lot of new friends that have really opened me up to a lot of experiences and perspectives, and my life has become so much richer through their influence. Especially recently, their philosophies and the experiences I've had with them have helped me figure out a lot of things I've been struggling with...for years in some cases. And I am so glad that my life crosses paths with so many interesting and wonderful people. I adore them.

3. A Quirky Family Full of Weirdos. And they are all proud of it. It is easy to discover who you are and not be afraid of it when you have a family where no one is afraid of being "the crazy one." We're all crazy on this bus. And that's what makes life fun. And we all know we are valued. YAY!

4. The Drama and Struggle that's Unavoidable in Life. Some people might think this is nuts, but having experiences in my life that are stressful and unhappy...make me happy. Like an Olympic athlete who has to train every day, who has to push themselves until their muscles, lungs, and heart are screaming - the feeling of your muscles expanding and becoming stronger keeps you going, and when your endorphines kick in your feet don't even hit the floor anymore, and the second you cross the finish line or make that point, all the pain and tediousness of the training is worth it. So it is with trials: you feel whatever part of yourself becoming stronger, at some point, the angels come down and pick you up, then suddenly, it all clicks and the pain is worth it. That is you've really achieved something...that is when you are invincible.

So I hope everyone can recognize the daily sweetness in their lives that comes from...life. I sincerely believe that everything you need to be happy in life is present before you, always. Sometimes you just have to look at a different angle, or just pick it up and dust it off. Man was made to have joy, so go have it!