Happy Easter Thoughts

Just going to blog about two really important things in one post. Hopefully it doesn't get out of control.

Last week, on March 27, 2013, I received an acceptance letter from my #1 choice of grad school at Edinburgh Napier University in Edinburgh, Scotland in a Masters of Arts in Screenwriting program. I have researched this school and pondered about actually going to grad school for over a year. It was not a decision I made lightly.

It's a huge decision - the expenses will be paid for almost entirely with loans, so I will be incurring more debt than I've ever had. I will be moving to a foreign country - alone this time - to live - alone - for a year. I will be completely on my own when it comes to everything I need to do to survive, from eating to writing a full length feature film. Some of it will be easy, because some of it I've done before. Some of it won't be, because there are some things I will have to do that I've never done on my own before, or I've always had a fail safe Plan B for.

The feelings I felt knowing that I was in the program, and that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing - what I feel like I was made to do - were astronomical. It really was too much for my body to comprehend. Then of course, there trickled in the gravity of what I was really doing. I was consciously taking my whole life, and hefting it into a higher plane of existence. A place that I hadn't known it would go. And that was followed with doubt - how am I going to pay for it? What if the loans don't cover enough and I don't save/earn enough, and I end up homeless in Scotland, or worse, have to leave? What if I don't have the talent it takes to get a career, or even a job, from this degree? What if I fail my classes? What if I get kidnapped? Each doubt more irrational than the one before (cause we all know I'd never get kidnapped - I'd kick their trash before they could take me).

I was battling these feelings - all the while still knowing that this was the right path for me to take - this morning. And then I began to remember this:


Of course because today is Easter, but in my stake, we've had the privilege of studying about the Atonement all month with this amazing 30-day study guide: http://atonementofjesuschrist.blogspot.com/.

And I combined what I'd learned from studying about the Atonement into what is going on in my life right now. What I learned was:

1. Heavenly Father loves me, and each of us, so much that He sent His Only Begotten Son to stuffer every pain imaginable (physical, emotional, and spiritual) so that we would never have to be alone and we could always receive strength from Jesus Christ.
2. Jesus Christ also paid the price for every sin ever committed on this earth, and if we accept that payment (by obedience and our own sacrifices), we can return to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus in glory forever.
3. We only need to call on our Father and Brother to receive the help and strength we need. We should talk to them all the time, really, because having a closer relationship with them makes everything in our lives happier and easier.

Well, here I am, desperately needing help, and with this beautiful knowledge that it is there, waiting for me to take it.

It's still scary, but I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I also know that the Lord will provide for me to grow to the capacity I need to be at to handle the challenges, as well as provide solutions to the challenges I will face...for the rest of my life.

I never would have made it this far without Him, but also wouldn't have made it without a few other people/experiences:

1. Obviously my parents, as well as all my sisters, who have been in examples to me in ways they probably don't even realize.
2. BYU-Idaho, where I realized my passions and purpose, and also learned how to be my own woman and truly find joy in life. As well as meet my two best friends, Diana Toronto and Kristen Cox, and Stephanie Palmer who introduced to me the idea of going to grad school in the UK (and is also a wonderful friend).
3. Living in Germany, which taught me that I am smart and capable, and I can stand on my own two feet without falling. I also made many new best friends there who taught me how to love (Miriam Blanchette), work hard (Hiu Tung Hung), and be patient (Kurt Thatcher).
4. Living in Draper, which has helped me refine so many edges of my personality that I feel like I'm a completely different person because of what I've learned here. I am so grateful for a bishop who challenges me to be more than what I have become. Also so grateful for my other best friend Jill Christensen who has rocked my world into epicness, and Andrew Clark and Jenna Bowman who probably have no idea what a stellar influence they've had on me. :)
5. The opportunity I've had to go to the temple and learn about Heavenly Father's plan for me and all of us. The knowledge I have gained there is more precious than any knowledge I will ever get from school. Also thanks to Rachel Fisihetau, Candace Larsen, and Stephanie Palmer for getting me to go regularly and keeping me going regularly.

I know that I am watched over and loved by a Father in Heaven who knows every bit of me. I am grateful to know of His amazing plan that allows me to return to Him and reach my full potential. I am excited to live His plan and do amazing things with my life (even if I don't know how it will happen!).

He is Risen, He is Risen!

Tell it out with joyful voice!

Today in Relief Society we listened to the talk "None were with Him" by Jeffrey R. Holland (I think it's from April 2009's conference). I remember pretty vividly this talk changing my perspective on a lot the first time I heard it, and it did the same this time.

This Mormon Message is based on the talk and is awesome. :)

So when we were discussing the talk in Relief Society there were two things that really stuck out to me.

1. Elder Holland quotes Isaiah 63:5:

 5 And I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold: therefore mine own arm brought ^asalvation unto me; and my fury, it upheld me.

 What stuck out to me is that Christ wondered that there was none to uphold him. If Christ needs friends and people to support Him, then who am I to say that I can make it through anything without anyone's help? I tend to do that a lot...shut up in myself when something happens that I struggle to deal with, and even though often I want to talk to someone about it, I convince myself not to because somehow it will end up getting worse if I tell anyone. A ridiculous, paranoid mindset maybe, but sometimes a reality to me nonetheless. But if Christ recognized a need for friends and family supporting Him, then I definitely need to be more open to that because I am nowhere near perfect, and He is.

2. I was bothered for pretty much my entire life, until I heard this talk, about the time when Jesus is on the cross and cries out that God has forsaken Him. God is perfect with a perfect love, I always thought, why would He abandon His Son? It always frustrated me so much I couldn't think about it for too long. But Elder Holland explains that in order for Christ to complete the Atonement and feel every sorrow that we would ever feel, He needed to know what it was like to spiritually die; to be cut off from God. So it's not that God forsook His Son. God was always there, loving His Son and reaching out, just as He always is with us. But the Spirit had to withdraw from Christ in order for Him to know what it feels like to sin. And that feeling is the feeling you get when deep inside you, somethig aches, something is screaming in anguish because it is so very, very alone.

I've had that feeling a few times in my life, and as I've gotten a little wiser, whenever that feeling comes I know I need to turn immediately to Heavenly Father, but I want to have something to offer Him when I come. So I always try to search my mind for something I need to repent of (not too hard). Then I pray, and apologize for my sins, and sometimes need to apologize to other people as well, or else rectify something in some way, but as soon as I start that process, the alone feeling vanishes and is immediately replaced with a rush of comfort and love, often unto a bursting feeling.

Today I wore a ring with a big cross on it to church, just because I like to conduct sociological experiments like that and see what people will say (no one said anything). But the cross took on a new meaning today as we discussed the Atonement in all three meetings of church. Christ was utterly alone on the cross, and this He did so that I never ever have to be alone. This is the absolute greatest gift I have received from Him.

Elder Holland finished his talk with this quote, which I want to reiterate for myself and for everyone who believes in Jesus Christ:

This Easter week and always, may we stand but Jesus Christ "at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death," for surely that is how He stood by us when it  was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone.

 Christ has given me everything, and I don't want Him to ever be alone because He has never left me alone. I know that He loves me and died for me, and that has made all the difference.

As We Express Our Gratitude, We Must Never Forget that the Highest Appreciation is Not to Utter Words, but to Live by Them.

That title is a quote by John F. Kennedy, and I think it's brilliant. I've never been good at directly expressing gratitude verbally, so instead I try to come up with lots of other ways to say it - gifts, service, hugs, whatever else may come to mind depending on the situation. But here I'd like to verbally express some things that I've become more deeply grateful for over this year, especially in the past few months.

1. Old Friends That Never Get Old. I've managed to hold on to a lot of these. And I love it. There is nothing that makes me happier than a call or text, out of nowhere, from someone who I've been friends with for a long time. I think there is a sweet joy that comes only from a friendship that doesn't require constant attention, but is still in perfect condition when you come back to it. When you find those people with whom you know affection will never strain, you receive a peace that is unique and satisfying in a way that cannot come by any other means.

2. New Friends that Bring New Life. Lately I've made a lot of new friends that have really opened me up to a lot of experiences and perspectives, and my life has become so much richer through their influence. Especially recently, their philosophies and the experiences I've had with them have helped me figure out a lot of things I've been struggling with...for years in some cases. And I am so glad that my life crosses paths with so many interesting and wonderful people. I adore them.

3. A Quirky Family Full of Weirdos. And they are all proud of it. It is easy to discover who you are and not be afraid of it when you have a family where no one is afraid of being "the crazy one." We're all crazy on this bus. And that's what makes life fun. And we all know we are valued. YAY!

4. The Drama and Struggle that's Unavoidable in Life. Some people might think this is nuts, but having experiences in my life that are stressful and unhappy...make me happy. Like an Olympic athlete who has to train every day, who has to push themselves until their muscles, lungs, and heart are screaming - the feeling of your muscles expanding and becoming stronger keeps you going, and when your endorphines kick in your feet don't even hit the floor anymore, and the second you cross the finish line or make that point, all the pain and tediousness of the training is worth it. So it is with trials: you feel whatever part of yourself becoming stronger, at some point, the angels come down and pick you up, then suddenly, it all clicks and the pain is worth it. That is you've really achieved something...that is when you are invincible.

So I hope everyone can recognize the daily sweetness in their lives that comes from...life. I sincerely believe that everything you need to be happy in life is present before you, always. Sometimes you just have to look at a different angle, or just pick it up and dust it off. Man was made to have joy, so go have it!