When I was a teenager, I belonged to this lovely organization in my church called Young Women.
I loved Young Women. I thrived on it. It was my favorite part of the week. Whenever my leaders asked me to go home and think about something or read something, I actually did. And right away. Whenever they gave me a little bookmark or whatnot with something inspiring on it, I hung it on my wall. By the time I graduated from high school, I had an entire wall, at least eleven feet long, covered from ceiling to baseboards with these little handouts. I was a Young Women NERD.
And in that moment, I desired to lead a group of Young Women myself some day in the future.
Today is that day.
And while I feel that I am still a teenager most of the time, I am thrilled about this opportunity. I don't think I'm the best leader out there, but I know I'm going to try as hard as I can, and that I'm going to love it, a lot.
I feel very lucky to have had the amazing influences of older women in my life through this program. Each of the leaders I had made a huge impact on me, and I still make decisions based on the examples they gave me, and I still want to make them proud. It was like having six more moms in addition to my own.
Not everyone gets so lucky in their delicate teenage years, even those who have Young Women in their life. I am sincerely grateful for the blessing that experience was for me.
I think the best thing that Young Women taught me was this: I am worth something, and that worth was given to me by God and no one and nothing can ever take it away. If I could teach that to one girl, I would feel like I succeeded for the rest of my life.
Women change the world. I'm grateful that I belong to a religion which believes that so fiercely they teach it to girls of every age.
Today, I took on a new role in my life. That is the role of Aunt.
My little sister had a daughter today. 8 lbs, 5 oz. 21 in.
It got me thinking about the various titles and roles we each take in our lives. I didn't ask for the role of being an aunt. It was thrust upon me. Not that I'm not happy about it, because I am beyond this world happy about it. :) But there are roles that we choose: wife, mother, friend. And roles that happen to us: daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother. There is a different sweetness in each kind of role. It's wonderful to think you've made the choice to be something for someone. It's a different kind of wonderful to think that someone chose you to be something for them, in a way.
I hope my niece is happy with her choice of an aunt (well, all six of her aunts, just on my side). I want to do my best to make her happy about it. Hopefully she likes the very Scottish Christmas present I got her. :)
Here is a picture of my mom holding the baby:
I'm excited to explore this new role and all its possibilities. I'm grateful for this opportunity. And I'm grateful to be a part of a family, especially one that is changing and growing. I'm excited for the prospect of my own changing and growing family someday. :)
You all thought this blog was going to pine away in wake of my Scotland blog, didn't you?
Never fear. This is still the foremost place that I will publicly express philosophical and psychological theories, as well as personal and spiritual experiences. :)
So last weekend I went to the Preston Temple for a YSA convention. Trivial details of the convention can be found on my other blog. But I really need to express another part of the convention that didn't belong on that blog.
Because this is not Utah/Idaho where everyone grows up in the Church, the convention planned only for baptisms in the temple because many YSAs are not endowed. I was a little bit disappointed because I really wanted to got through a session. But my roommate and I volunteered to help with the baptisms rather than perform them. Turns out there were too many volunteers to help, and my roommate and I were left without any duties. So, we went through a session.
After the session, I sat in the beautiful Celestial room (it was really one of the most beautiful Celestial rooms I've seen, with this fantastic window letting amazing sunlight in). I sat in there longer than I ever have before. Leaving felt like I would be inflicting a fatal wound to myself.
You see, I am in a foreign country studying something that is very easily corrupted. My classes are "rated R" based on language alone, disregarding the content of the shorts we often watch. I knew it would be that way, and I still felt very strongly this is what the Lord wanted me to do. I felt like I'd been prepared through carefully planned experiences to face the challenges of this year. And I still feel like I'm up to the challenge.
Because I have a Heavenly Father to fall back on. Who supports me through absolutely everything. He has gotten me through everything in my life so far, and I'm not afraid of anything I have to face in the future. I know I can turn to Him at any moment and be safe and uplifted.
I am incomprehensibly grateful for the opportunity I have to go to the temple and feel the Lord's love for me. As well as listening to living prophets any time I need to, to hear God's words for me specifically. This is a wonderful work, a wonderful time to be alive.
Before I head out on my next adventure, I want/need to express some gratitude, humility, and excitement about where I've been for the past 20 months. I moved from my parents' house in Murray to a nice apartment in Draper, and there my life changed forever!
When I walked into the leasing office to look at the apartments, I knew absolutely that I needed to live there. I was ready to sign the lease without even looking at the apartments, and I knew I would make an effort to live there no matter what roommate situation I had to put up with.
Well, the first roommate I had was a disaster. But that enabled - encouraged - me to reach out to people in a way that I normally wouldn't. Which turned out to be...the best.
First I met this girl who loves and accepts without bounds...I seriously am blown away by how much she is willing to give others, and how unceasingly kind she is. Her friendship was the first life-preserver I caught in this new place.
Then I met another girl that knows how to live life to the ultimate capacity - every experience is exciting and precious and worth living! She taught me to really let go and relax (being a massage therapist helps). And to make my life epic!
And then there were two brothers that completed the outfit. They brought rationality, calmness, and intellectualism into the group. What they brought specifically to my life was a better understanding of understanding, including a widened perspective on forgiveness and acceptance. They helped me learn how to implement the positive changes I wanted to make in my life.
I got to know a lot of other people in Draper, but there are a couple of other girls that deserve a specific mention. This girl, who treats everyone equally, no matter what, which is something I admire extremely:
And this girl, who is like mango salsa: sweet and spicy at the same time. She brightens my day and is just plain awesome!:
Now for one of the most important people to mention is my bishop. He said some very profound things to me in our various meetings:
You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You are already amazing because you are a daughter of God.
You are beautiful and doing good things (I need to hear that often).
Do the right thing and the rest will be taken care of. He quoted this scripture to me more than once:
25 aTherefore I say unto you, Take no bthought
for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for
your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the
body than raiment? 26 Behold
the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor
gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not
much better than they?
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
28 And why take ye thought for raiment? aConsider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, ashall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little bfaith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father aknoweth that ye have need of all these things.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take athought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. (Matthew 6:25-34)
So in conclusion, in case you didn't get what I was trying to say in this post, what I learned from living in Draper was to love more and worry less. To give without holding back, and without expecting in return. To forget when you forgive. So many things that sound easy but aren't. Living in Draper was an absolute necessity to make me into the person I really want to be. I will cherish the time I spent there and the people I met there by living better because of them.
In light of the death of the actor of one of my most favorite characters on Glee, Cory Monteith, I've decided to finally write the blog that ennumerates why I love Glee, and why I think I needed it in my life. For those of you who are haters, please stop reading now, and I don't want to hear your opinion. Thank you!
Glee taught me to stand up for myself.Not in a beat up everyone, bitterly condescending, backstabbing way. In a way that says, "This is who I am. It's not perfect, but I'm doing my best. If you can't appreciate that, then I don't need your negative influence in my life." There are many times on the show that a character feels like they are being oppressed of under-appreciated, but particularly I want to mention Brittany. She is totally overlooked a lot of the time, but she just keeps going, keeps being herself, and doesn't let what other people say or think about her keep her down, and I think that is awesome, and something that I and many people in the world should learn from.
Glee showed me how to forgive and move on. I know it sounds ridiculous, but because of all the drama in the show, people dating people, then cheating on them, or leaving them for someone else, or spreading rumors, or bullying, or shaming, or a great number of horrid things to each other, the characters always manage to sing it out and be ok with each other. When I first started watching the show, I thought, how on earth can he dump that girl and be with another girl right in front of her face and she doesn't try to strangle him? But then I really began to think about it, and decided that my feelings of hurt and revenge were probably pretty extreme, and it took another extreme (because I still don't believe that people could completely forgive each other in such short amounts of time, but they can start the healing immediately) to counterbalance my mentality and bring me into the middle. Forgiveness is essential to human happiness, and we should be forgiving everyone regardless of how they've hurt us. Which leads me to my next point:
Glee showed me that everyone has value.It doesn't matter how different you are from someone, or what they've done/been through, or where they are from, or how intelligent or talented they are, every person on this planet has value and something to offer the world. We must remember that and treat everyone in a way that shows we understand they have value including ourselves. You, and everyone around you, has something inside of you that can change the world, so believe in yourself, believe in others, and share your light (talent, love, etc.) with everyone. The characters in Glee are always getting picked on, made fun of, etc., but they come to glee club and know that everyone there is their family, they are safe, and are appreciated. I want to create that kind of environment for anyone that I come in contact with.
Glee taught me that love is selfless. This lesson came primarily from Finn (Cory's character). Now, I've been taught this my whole life, but it is another thing to see it played out before you (even if it is a written script and acting). Two occasions I'd like to point out. First, at a high time of bullying for Kurt Hummel, Finn's future step-brother, Finn dresses up like a lobster (Lady Gaga style) and stands up to the football team (of which he is a part) that is harassing Kurt. Finn at that point makes a choice that he loves his friend/step-brother more than he loves his reputation or his team or other friends, and never backs down from that. He never turns his back on Kurt again. Next, Finn takes his fiancee Rachel to the train station instead of the courthouse on the day they are supposed to get married so she can pursue her dreams of school in New York and Broadway. Enough said there, I will let this video say the rest:
Now for less serious things that Glee gave me.
The desire to start taking voice lessons again (although that was pretty life-changing)
A way to get certain friends to listen to amazing classic rock songs!!
Another wonderful fandom (as if I need more)
That's all. Glee is awesome. I am devastated that my favorite character (and ideal for my future husband, let's be honest) can no longer be a part of the show, but I am grateful for what he gave the world while he was alive. Thanks, Cory.
I had a really interesting/awesome experience this week.
On Thursday I went to the temple with a couple of friends, as I do every week. This week we decided to go out of our normal zone and to the Mount Timpanogos temple. When I was ~11 I went to the open house of this temple, and thought it was the most beautiful temple I'd seen and was determined to get married there. Only once had I ever returned, to do baptisms. So I was curious if I'd feel the same way when I returned this time, now that I could see the whole temple.
When we walked onto the temple grounds, my heart sang. And by that I mean beat so fast that it sent a sweet vibration through my whole circulatory system. All temples are beautiful, but somehow this one speaks to me in different way. It is not just beautiful, but gorgeous, which sounds weird for a building, but that's just how it is.Somehow the quadrilateral structure combining with feminine curves makes the whole presence of the building delicious to me.
While inside the temple, I was looking through one of the long tall windows, probably the one that's lit up in the picture. I noticed that the panels were etched with gradually curved lines that look like waves and sand on a beach. There are no real beaches in Utah, so I thought that was interesting. As I kept observing the glass on the window, I couldn't find a real pattern to the curves in the etching. Some were fat, some were close to each other, some were curving up when the one below was curving down, or some were parallel. And I thought...temples are supposed to be perfect. Why is there not a pattern? Why isn't this symmetrical?
Then I realized...since when does perfect = symmetry and symmetry = beauty? It doesn't. In nature, you can find patterns in many plants and even animals, but they are not symmetrical. Most of them follow the Fibonacci sequence, in which each number is added to the previous number in the sequence, starting with 1. So we have 1. Then 1+0 (because there is no previous number)=1. Then 1+1=2. 2+1=3. And so forth. In nature, the numbers of petals on a flower, or spirals in a snail's shell often fall on a Fibonacci number, as well as the ratios of size between sections of a plant or animal.
Not symmetrical, but beautiful. Just like all of us!
I know I've struggled immensely with having a consistently positive self-image, and many women out there do. Men do too, but not nearly as often. Well, women and men, perfection=/=beauty. So find (at least) one thing on you that is beautiful, and cherish it. Soon you'll realize there is more than one. :)
Just going to blog about two really important things in one post. Hopefully it doesn't get out of control.
Last week, on March 27, 2013, I received an acceptance letter from my #1 choice of grad school at Edinburgh Napier University in Edinburgh, Scotland in a Masters of Arts in Screenwriting program. I have researched this school and pondered about actually going to grad school for over a year. It was not a decision I made lightly.
It's a huge decision - the expenses will be paid for almost entirely with loans, so I will be incurring more debt than I've ever had. I will be moving to a foreign country - alone this time - to live - alone - for a year. I will be completely on my own when it comes to everything I need to do to survive, from eating to writing a full length feature film. Some of it will be easy, because some of it I've done before. Some of it won't be, because there are some things I will have to do that I've never done on my own before, or I've always had a fail safe Plan B for.
The feelings I felt knowing that I was in the program, and that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing - what I feel like I was made to do - were astronomical. It really was too much for my body to comprehend. Then of course, there trickled in the gravity of what I was really doing. I was consciously taking my whole life, and hefting it into a higher plane of existence. A place that I hadn't known it would go. And that was followed with doubt - how am I going to pay for it? What if the loans don't cover enough and I don't save/earn enough, and I end up homeless in Scotland, or worse, have to leave? What if I don't have the talent it takes to get a career, or even a job, from this degree? What if I fail my classes? What if I get kidnapped? Each doubt more irrational than the one before (cause we all know I'd never get kidnapped - I'd kick their trash before they could take me).
I was battling these feelings - all the while still knowing that this was the right path for me to take - this morning. And then I began to remember this:
Of course because today is Easter, but in my stake, we've had the privilege of studying about the Atonement all month with this amazing 30-day study guide: http://atonementofjesuschrist.blogspot.com/.
And I combined what I'd learned from studying about the Atonement into what is going on in my life right now. What I learned was:
Heavenly Father loves me, and each of us, so much that He sent His Only Begotten Son to stuffer every pain imaginable (physical, emotional, and spiritual) so that we would never have to be alone and we could always receive strength from Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ also paid the price for every sin ever committed on this earth, and if we accept that payment (by obedience and our own sacrifices), we can return to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus in glory forever.
We only need to call on our Father and Brother to receive the help and strength we need. We should talk to them all the time, really, because having a closer relationship with them makes everything in our lives happier and easier.
Well, here I am, desperately needing help, and with this beautiful knowledge that it is there, waiting for me to take it.
It's still scary, but I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I also know that the Lord will provide for me to grow to the capacity I need to be at to handle the challenges, as well as provide solutions to the challenges I will face...for the rest of my life.
I never would have made it this far without Him, but also wouldn't have made it without a few other people/experiences:
Obviously my parents, as well as all my sisters, who have been in examples to me in ways they probably don't even realize.
BYU-Idaho, where I realized my passions and purpose, and also learned how to be my own woman and truly find joy in life. As well as meet my two best friends, Diana Toronto and Kristen Cox, and Stephanie Palmer who introduced to me the idea of going to grad school in the UK (and is also a wonderful friend).
Living in Germany, which taught me that I am smart and capable, and I can stand on my own two feet without falling. I also made many new best friends there who taught me how to love (Miriam Blanchette), work hard (Hiu Tung Hung), and be patient (Kurt Thatcher).
Living in Draper, which has helped me refine so many edges of my personality that I feel like I'm a completely different person because of what I've learned here. I am so grateful for a bishop who challenges me to be more than what I have become. Also so grateful for my other best friend Jill Christensen who has rocked my world into epicness, and Andrew Clark and Jenna Bowman who probably have no idea what a stellar influence they've had on me. :)
The opportunity I've had to go to the temple and learn about Heavenly Father's plan for me and all of us. The knowledge I have gained there is more precious than any knowledge I will ever get from school. Also thanks to Rachel Fisihetau, Candace Larsen, and Stephanie Palmer for getting me to go regularly and keeping me going regularly.
I know that I am watched over and loved by a Father in Heaven who knows every bit of me. I am grateful to know of His amazing plan that allows me to return to Him and reach my full potential. I am excited to live His plan and do amazing things with my life (even if I don't know how it will happen!).
This post is inspired by Glee and The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and of course LDS general conference.
I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday, and I found it to be a very touching movie. I wouldn't recommend if for everyone, but if you're like me and you enjoy stories where people face (and sometimes conquer, but sometimes don't conquer) the harsh realities of life, especially growing up, I would highly recommend it.
It touched me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I related so strongly to the main character. Fortunately, I wasn't abused as a kid; I grew up in a very stable, loving home and my parents still love and support me, all my sisters, and each other. I consider myself extremely lucky for that. Nor did my friends in high school drug me for entertainment (although some of them wanted to). But Charlie said a line in there that struck me like playing the harp with my veins. It was something like: Do you ever feel like if you really shared what was in your head, everyone around you would think you're crazy?
Like I said, I lived a normal, happy childhood (well, considering I wasn't really a normal kid), but once I became a teenager, I started experiencing things that were hard, and dark. Maybe my friends haven't shared everything with me, but in comparing experiences back then, and with friends I have now, of middle school and high school, I kinda think a lot of the things I experienced were outside of the normal range of growing up, finding yourself, dealing-with-hormones-and-feelings-you've-never-had-before experiences.
When I was in high school, I was obsessed with someone, just one person, understanding me and where I was coming from. So much so that I poured my heart out to so many people, most of whom didn't really care or honestly couldn't relate. I don't blame any of them, and quite honestly, wouldn't be surprised if everyone who went to high school with me thinks I'm completely crazy, including the ones I'm still in contact with (and thank you, for sticking around). When I finally realized that I was making things worse for myself, I stopped sharing so much, and started feeling like a normal person.
But Kelly Clarkson's song "Dark Side" put a bolt through my heart. I know, and have known, everyone has a dark side. Still I've refused to believe that anyone's is like mine. Some are certainly worse. Some are comparatively trivial. But the song opened up to me the possibility of finally letting someone back in.
Glee has often struck chords within me, addressing the challenges teenagers face in so many decisions that they are not well-equipped to make, and reminding me of the decisions I've made, and also giving me a little motivation to follow my dreams (yeah, it's cheesy, but everything about Glee is, so deal with it). In the episode I caught up on tonight, Rachel gives this speech to Finn about how he was her first love. And once again, the chords in my heart sang. My first love, he did all those things for me that Rachel said Finn did for her: made her feel visible, and sexy, and loved. And if he could do that once, when we were 17, as the only person who knew (and still knows) the depth and breadth of my dark side, I can trust and have faith that someone else can do that again. If he reads this, I want to thank him, for being the only man who ever understood me. And I hope he remembers that I will always love him.
But that's not the point of this post. The point is that I have a dark side, but I have worked hard and long to tame and control it, and it doesn't rule me. It doesn't drive me. Now it's there to remind me of my soul purpose: to do whatever I can to prevent others from feeling small, helpless, or unlovable. I'm nowhere near perfect at it, but I am going to do something every day for the rest of my life to work at it.
This song feels right at the moment. Wonderful track from Muse's new album The 2nd Law (out last Tuesday, shameless plug to check it out because it will shift your music paradigm), sung by the bassist Chris Wolstenholme. It's called "Save Me."
To conclude, I have to give credit for everything to my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. They made me who I am, good and dark, and I love every bit of where I've been to get me here. And the only reason I know I'll survive the rest of the future is through Them and Their plan. I know I have a long journey ahead, but I've learned that as long as I keep moving my legs, They will make sure my foot falls in the right place. This weekend I was reminded of that so many times, so with renewed conviction, I'm following my dreams and fulfilling my soul purpose.
Today in Relief Society we listened to the talk "None were with Him" by Jeffrey R. Holland (I think it's from April 2009's conference). I remember pretty vividly this talk changing my perspective on a lot the first time I heard it, and it did the same this time.
This Mormon Message is based on the talk and is awesome. :)
So when we were discussing the talk in Relief Society there were two things that really stuck out to me.
1. Elder Holland quotes Isaiah 63:5:
5 And I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold: therefore mine own arm brought asalvation unto me; and my fury, it upheld me.
What stuck out to me is that Christ wondered that there was none to uphold him. If Christ needs friends and people to support Him, then who am I to say that I can make it through anything without anyone's help? I tend to do that a lot...shut up in myself when something happens that I struggle to deal with, and even though often I want to talk to someone about it, I convince myself not to because somehow it will end up getting worse if I tell anyone. A ridiculous, paranoid mindset maybe, but sometimes a reality to me nonetheless. But if Christ recognized a need for friends and family supporting Him, then I definitely need to be more open to that because I am nowhere near perfect, and He is.
2. I was bothered for pretty much my entire life, until I heard this talk, about the time when Jesus is on the cross and cries out that God has forsaken Him. God is perfect with a perfect love, I always thought, why would He abandon His Son? It always frustrated me so much I couldn't think about it for too long. But Elder Holland explains that in order for Christ to complete the Atonement and feel every sorrow that we would ever feel, He needed to know what it was like to spiritually die; to be cut off from God. So it's not that God forsook His Son. God was always there, loving His Son and reaching out, just as He always is with us. But the Spirit had to withdraw from Christ in order for Him to know what it feels like to sin. And that feeling is the feeling you get when deep inside you, somethig aches, something is screaming in anguish because it is so very, very alone.
I've had that feeling a few times in my life, and as I've gotten a little wiser, whenever that feeling comes I know I need to turn immediately to Heavenly Father, but I want to have something to offer Him when I come. So I always try to search my mind for something I need to repent of (not too hard). Then I pray, and apologize for my sins, and sometimes need to apologize to other people as well, or else rectify something in some way, but as soon as I start that process, the alone feeling vanishes and is immediately replaced with a rush of comfort and love, often unto a bursting feeling.
Today I wore a ring with a big cross on it to church, just because I like to conduct sociological experiments like that and see what people will say (no one said anything). But the cross took on a new meaning today as we discussed the Atonement in all three meetings of church. Christ was utterly alone on the cross, and this He did so that I never ever have to be alone. This is the absolute greatest gift I have received from Him.
Elder Holland finished his talk with this quote, which I want to reiterate for myself and for everyone who believes in Jesus Christ:
This Easter week and always, may we stand but Jesus Christ "at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death," for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone.
Christ has given me everything, and I don't want Him to ever be alone because He has never left me alone. I know that He loves me and died for me, and that has made all the difference.
As of late, I have been pondering a lot about my role in this world as a woman. I have been trying to be a better woman...the kind of woman that when people think of me, they think of a strong female. Not a girly girl, cause that's not what I am and I never will be. But a woman who pulled her weight, who thought for herself, who worked as hard as she could on everything she took up, who was full of patience and compassion, and who was willing to give to anyone she found in need. To me, this is real womanhood.
While I have been working on these attributes that I want to acquire, I have noticed one major hang up. The more I try to exemplify this extraordinary woman I want to be, the less guys want to be around me. I have been taught to believe that men like women who are feminine. So this leads me to the conclusion that men and I have a very different definition of femininity.
This is understandable because of the currently degrading concept of gender roles, and the skewed idea of feminism. But my personal struggle has inspired me to write my own version of Sojourner Truth's wonderful "Ain't I a Woman?" speech (please review the history of this beautiful speech here.)
That man over there
Says that women need to be coupled to a man,
And enjoy being doted on, And receive
flowers
for any occasion, wherever.
No man is coupled to me,
And I'm not adored or respected, And I don't receive any
flowers.
And ain't I a woman?
Look at me.
Look at my arm.
I have trained, And served,
And taught myself how to live in this
world,
And no man could break me, ever!
Ain't I a woman?
I can work as much And think as hard as a man
—If they would let me—
And bear the stress as well.
And ain't I a woman?
I have borne no
children,
Despite the desire to be a mother who will actually care for them,
So this morning I was reading in my book, Get a Grip on Philosophy, about Socrates. Socrates reportedly lived this life of self-reflections and virtue, continually questioning in himself and in everyone around him what their innermost motivations were, and how to make those motivations into the absolute best ones. He was put on trial for upsetting so many people by expecting them (untactfully) to improve their wicked ways.
I've never wanted to be self- righteous, but this reminded me of myself. Probably because I recently had an experience where I told someone they needed to change their ways and I lost a friendship from it. But I absolutely don't regret it.
So I began to ponder on the best way to live, thinking about Socrates' questions. Am I living the best life that I can? No, of course not.
Then on the way to church, I was listening to the classical station and they were playing an excerpt from a speech, and the man, don't know who it was, was talking about saying "please" and "thank you," and how a smile, or a compliment, or a thank you card, can all be some of the most important moments in someone's life. And this happens to be something I've been trying to work on forrrrrrrreeeeeeeevvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrr. So then I felt even worse about not living the best life I can.
During church, I don't remember all the thoughts and feelings I had, but I remember a few distinct ones. I remembered how my life has been changed and blessed through the girls that visit taught me and whom I visit taught my freshman year of college. It was brought to my attention how emcompassing the Atonement is, and how it can heal all wounds. I pondered on the things that occupy my thoughts, and what they say about me as a person. And I remembered how much I want to be better about living my testimony and attending the temple.
Then I realized something. It's outlined in 2 Nephi, 2:27:
Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.
God has given us everything we ever need, but whatever we do with it is our choice. I have the tools I need to become a better person. I just need to make the choice now to do it.
The girl who spoke in sacrament meeting put it very well. You just have to fake it 'til you make it. If you are wanting to change something, you wake up one day and tell yourself "I'm the best at (insert changed characteristic here)," and then you keep acting like it until it's comfortable, and then it becomes true through time. I strongly believe in this idea. So many times I have had friends come to me saying that they wish they were something, and I always say, don't wish it, be it. Just start doing it.
I have tried many times to follow my own advice, but usually I lose motivation after a while. I start thinking patterns of "this isn't my natural character," "why should I change this?" or "what's wrong with being a cynically bitter recluse anyway?"
But the truth about all of those excuses is: I don't want to be that way. The person I want to be is someone else. So what if my natural character wants to sit quietly and unnoticed? That doesn't mean that I can't also be friendly and make people's days better.
So I started right away. I spent time with my roommate, which is the first time I have just hung out with her in the 6 weeks we've lived together/known each other. I texted a girl in my ward to tell her that I appreciated her. I complimented the girl I sat next to in sacrament on her singing voice. And it's not going to stop tomorrow or the next day.
What I know is this: God loves me and has given me everything. It is my duty to help Him by uplifting others. It is something I want to do. So I am the best compliment giver ever. I am the best hugger ever. I am the best at telling the truth kindly. And I am the best at calling upon His strength to help me know how to do these things.
For so long I have been trying to figure out who I am, and be it, but so afraid that who I am wouldn't be good enough for some people. But really, every time that's happened, I don't care. If they don't think I'm good enough, I don't need them. Why should I be afraid? Also, I can be whoever I want to be if I make up my mind to do it, so I'm going to do it.
I finally joined Pinterest tonight as an expression of not being afraid to show the world who I am. Odd, trivial maybe. But as a lover of definition and expression, it's about time I did some of my own.
