Little Rant

So life moves people in all kinds of directions. Sometimes you are on the same (or a very close) path with someone for a long time but suddenly life twists and you clash, break each other into little pieces, and ricochete backwards in infinite directions with immense force. And sometimes when that happens you leave a lot of pieces there at the collision site and you can't go back and pick them up, you can't put it back together, but it's fine, cause who needs those pieces anyway?

This is what happened to me in the past 6 weeks with someone, and now I feel like I'm falling under the condemnation from all our mutual friends for not trying to fix it.

Whenever I've had friends who've had falling outs, I have done everything I can to remain friends with both parties. Usually there is one who tells me more about the situation than the other, but I don't go around picking sides and holding grudges about situations that I am not a part of. So I end up having a ton of friends who are enemies with each other, and I'm fine with that.

So what I'm saying is that I don't understand why everyone thinks we should pretend that nothing happened between us and be BFF again. Forgiveness, yes, but I can honestly say I don't hate this person for what happened between us. I'm fine with seeing him and being around him, and I have done both of those things without a problem since the collision. We've even made light one-on-one conversation. But it seems to me that there is a point when you don't have to go back to the way things were.

We are supposed to forgive 70x7 but forgiveness doesn't mean put all the pieces back exactly where they were. If that were true, then women in abusive relationships should never leave their partners. Parents who have a child murdered would get their child back at the hands of the murderer. And no one would get punished for their crimes.

So no, I'm not going back into a friendship that was hollow and powered by my effort alone. I don't deserve that. Yes, it probably does ruin the entire dynamics of a circle of friends, but I was hoping that I was close enough friends with the rest of the group that we could maintain perhaps an elliptical dynamic at the least. If that is not possible, then I guess I lost an entire group of friends, but not suffering the injustices that I endured is worth it to me. C'est la vie.

Fortunately, I know the perfect song for this entire experience:
Schism by Tool
I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed
Will set two lovers' souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes
Testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then
Has a burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end
Crippling our communication

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame
It doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other
Watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together
Rediscover communication

The poetry
That comes from the squaring off between
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit
But I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know
The dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow
And strengthen our communication

Cold silence has
A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed brothers
Between supposed lovers

I know the pieces fit

What Star Trek Did to Me

I went to see the new Star Trek movie the other day. AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

First of all, AWESOME music. Totally screenwiriting-inspiring.

Secondly, Spock. I mean, the rest of the movie was great, but I was hooked on Spock. Every second he wasn't on screen I was praying he'd come on screen.
Spock? Really?

Things have been pretty nostalgic for me since I've come to live in Murray again for the first time in a really, really long time. Everything here is different. Last time I was here, I had tons of friends. No longer so. When I got home from Germany, some things just couldn't go back to how they were. Too much moving on, which I'm totally fine with, it's still just a little weird though.

So in thinking about Spock, I realized what it was. See, in all the fiction I've ever read, or seen, I have been automatically strongly attracted to the strong and silent character, whether he was the main character or even the good guy.

There is something irresistable about a man who is collected and in control of his thoughts and feelings, especially if his thoughts are intelligent AND logical like Spock's are. But when inside all this control lies a raging fire...tie me down.

I just don't think I attract those kind of men. I've realized for quite some time now I attract more of the Captain Kirk type. Which is fun, but not real. I've been trying to change that, but so far it hasn't worked. In all my nostalgia I realized there was once a Spock-esque man who wanted to date me.I was young and stupid and wanted to hold out for more, test him harder. I lost. And later I lost him again.

But that is ok. I am really happy with where I'm at. There is more than one Spock in the world (I hope. Or maybe there is a better Spock than the last one...).

Thus begins my search for Spock.

Now I'm just Waiting for the Person who is a Muse Song

Two things I've been thinking about today, that are loosely related:

Tonight I went to a wedding reception for one of my guy friends from high school. This is the first guy friend from high school I've had get married, besides my friend Derrick, who doesn't count because he married my best friend so I was still more on her side of the wedding even though I love Derrick immensely.
When I got there and gave him a hug, he said I was the only friend from high school who came. Somehow, I wasn't surprised, but I was disappointed.
You see, I look at my friends like I do songs. Just because they are old doesn't mean they suck. In some cases, that makes them better, and you never want to stop listening to them. Classic Rock. In some cases that makes them the same amount of awesome that they were when they were new. 90s Alternative. In some cases it's best to leave them alone for a while before you come back, but every time you come back it makes your day. Early 2000s Hip Hop. Some songs have never grown old, even though you're not craving it all the time. The Rat Pack Era. And some songs, you never truly liked, but you put up with because all your friends liked it. Pop. And some songs you never liked, and couldn't pretend you did. Country. But I guess I can't say any of those songs were my friends.
I have a TON of girl friends from high school who are now married. I'm in the minority now. I've made it to all of their receptions, with the exception of one when I had to work, one when I was on vacation, one that was on a weekday and I was at school in Idaho, and a few that happened while I was in Germany. And I scrapbook every invitation I get. And I plan on going to every reception that I get invited to in the future, work and school permitting.
I don't think that I'm vastly more devoted to my friends than other people. I hope I'm not. I just believe that if something is good once, it will always be good.
Naturally, it's been some years since high school, and people go all over the place for school, get married, missions, and have great adventures across the earth. I haven't kept up with everyone, although blogs and Facebook help a lot in that. There are really only three people that I went to high school with that I still see and talk to once a week or more. I don't mind this. It doesn't bother me to have loosely swaying rope bridges connecting me with former friends that I used to think the world of. Our friendships no longer serve the same purpose, and many of them it wouldn't bother me to never see them again.
I think that is because I still like all of them. Some of us don't talk because we're now at completely different stages of life. Some we are just both too busy or forgetful to keep up. Some we did have a violent falling out and chose not to be a part of each others' lives. But I don't think I've ever been truly angry with someone for more than a few days, if that. But sometimes peoples' purposes in your life do get worn out.
What I'm saying is that all those kids that I spent every day with in high school, you still mean as much to me now as you did then, even if I don't act on it. You're a song and I love music.

After the reception I watched Juno with some friends (from high school, incidentally) and it weighed heavy on my heart. I'd never seen it before. I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, suffice it to say it's about a 16-year-old girl and the love she shares with her best guy friend.
I fell in love, legit love, with my best guy friend in high school. And unfortunately, as much as I loathe the movie, The Notebook was right. You never forget your first love.
Rumor has it he is happily and eternally sealed to someone else now. As Abba once wisely put it, the winner takes it all.
I don't expect that piece of my soul to ever come back. I don't really want it. I am very happy with where I am and the choices I've made, but I can never forget how happy I was that year.

Other awesomeness that has occured lately:
The Renaissance/Fantasy Faire.
Birch Beer.
I rode a camel.
I visited Rexburg in all of its glory.
I like my job, so far.
I've got two missionaries and a soldier coming home this month!!!!