It was bound to happen sooner or later: This is why I Hate Twilight

A Malicious and Vindictive Diatribe on Twilight
by Laura Whitney

As a disclaimer, I would like to start out by saying that this is not an attack on Stephenie Meyer. I think her ideas were right and rare; I admire her rags to riches story, and I don’t think the effects of her writing could have been anticipated on her part. The only crime she committed was not enough research, revising, and editing before she took the book to the publishers — a common mistake among inexperienced writers. This essay is merely an extrapolation on how the Twilight series has become a symbol for the expansive corruption and loss of morals by the general society in which we mill about in our daily lives, a society that is looking more like an inbred cockroach infestation than humanity at this point.

There are two primary reasons why Twilight is a beacon of the weaknesses of our global society. The first is its infinite popularity despite deep and obvious literary flaws, namely redundant and indulgent writing techniques, as well as a significant lack of the essential characteristics of good literature, as in what makes literature timeless: relevance to universal audiences, vast or even unending interpretive possibilities, and the expression of moral implications in such a way that expands, changes, or challenges the view point and knowledge of each reader. The second reason for Twilight’s depravity is the fact that it is even possible for the fan following and effects such a story would have on womankind: evidence of the corrosion of gender roles.

I have been writing for as long as I can remember. When I was in 1st or 2nd grade, I remember our teacher assigning us to write a story about Christmas cookies or something of that nature, and she told us to try to make the story at least two pages (front only) long. Mine was in the neighborhood of seven. My teacher pulled me aside and told me that I had a talent beyond anyone else in the class. I didn’t think much of it then, but by the time I commenced from elementary school, I had started two books, both of which were beyond novella length. The point is, when I read Twilight I was immediately reminded of those books I started ten or twelve years ago. Since then I have taken creative writing and publishing classes in junior high, high school, and college. Stephenie Meyer graduated with a degree in creative writing, so I imagine she went through similar preparation. But her novel was still produced at the level of a marginally talented twelve-year-old.

What happened to the voice of the teacher suggesting to try different adjectives? Edward is beautiful. Edward is beautiful. Edward is breathtakingly beautiful? REALLY? What about the use of verbs as descriptors instead of adverbs? Use verbs that actually punch instead of using floppy verbs and telling us that they punched. Ok, you’ve got “muttered” and “murmured” instead of “said quietly.” Oh, there they are again, on about every facing page, three or four times. Diverse. Powerful stuff. If this is coming across as scornful and condescending, I won’t tell you that it isn’t, because currently I am studying the conventions of a sentence, and how I can break those conventions; for, when a sentence starts with a subject and ends with a predicate, with only few commas and no semi-colons (not to mention colons or em-dashes), I am overcome with ennui; but then, at least, I can bathe in the pleasure of passivity and the subjunctive mood; unfortunately, however, this cannot satisfy my appetite for appositives and conjunctions, or for the breathlessness of a daring sentence fragment or interjection — alas if only I were indulging myself with true literature.

And what is true literature? Why, it is anything written that wrenches men’s souls from the dark, and forces them into a blinding light, where they don’t sparkle, but their grotesque, misshapen forms cry, “Fix me Mold me into something greater ” And the time-tested, time-approved way of accomplishing this is through the archetype. Archetypes are characterizations that are so general and universal that no one can deny them, because everyone sees a part of them (the archetypes) in themselves (the people), and a part of them (the people) in themselves (the archetypes). I once wrote an explication of J.R.R. Tolkien’s use of the archetype in his trilogy The Lord of the Rings in order to accomplish the objectives of reawakening a sense of the mythic among society and establishing a mythology for his home country of England, through which he hoped to move his people into a more conscientious and moral way of living. This is the objective of all great literature. I should like to reference that paper in its entirety right here, however that would take phenomenal space as well as any reader’s attention span, so I will conclude that as Carl Jung asserts, the archetype truly does speak more deeply than anything else to human motivation and emotion.

However, archetypes are hard to develop. They must be completely round, yet completely human and believable. To make one requires one to study their character in whole, every single personality quirk and facet, every moment of the character’s past, and every hidden part of the character’s psyche. But doesn’t the author just tell the character what to do when they want them to do it? you may wonder. No. A real author knows that they may conceive a character on their own, but from the moment of conception that character is its own entity, and will act according to its own will, and the author must then set up a series of situations in which they can predict the characters’ reactions to give them the desired action to propel the story forward along the line of plot. If the author tries to tell the character what to do and when to do it, the character loses its dimensionality, its relevance, and its mythic effects on the reader. The character is merely a puppet, without will or responsibility, and cannot reach the souls of the readers who encounter it. Such is the plight of the clumsy, witless girl and the stalking predator.

In addition to basic characterization, there are archetypes for story structure. There are truly only a few stories in the world that keep presenting themselves in different ways: man vs. man, man vs. nature, and man vs. self. The concept of Twilight presents great potential for the conflicts of man vs. nature (Bella vs. Edward’s demonism) and man vs. self (Edward vs. his demonism), but because of the underdeveloped characters, these conflicts must remain underdeveloped as well. As a result their affection for each other isn’t the result of a larger-than-life barrier that has been overcome, it is not the result of true acceptance and trust built over a long period of time, it is simply the result of the grand orchestrator telling them to love each other. To those familiar with the depths of true love, the superficiality of the relationship which is the driving force of the plot is unbearable. Because the characters lack personality, all that is created between them is lust. Albeit eternal, insatiable lust, but lust nonetheless. Sadly, this actually does reflect real life, among those who have not used their minds to discover their own personal depths and thus the depths of another human. There are many relationships and families that have been founded in such a lustful beginning.

This lustful relationship should not give the characters the kind of motivation they have to stay together despite their specie limitations. But they do stay together. Why? Because the grand orchestrator told them to. There is no foundation to their relationship besides a scent and the color of one’s eyes. This does not, or at least should not, speak to the depths of the souls of the readers. It is irrelevant to anyone’s real life besides perhaps a young teenager whose brain hasn’t fully developed and has come across strong physical magnetism for the first time. Anyone outside of this category should not be swept into the spell of Edward Cullen.

Why is it then, that women (and a few men) across the globe have been captivated by the blood-sucker? Perhaps it is because he was endowed with many desirable traits. He’s apparently a Greek god (although who knows what that really looks like or feels like?), he’s cultured, and well-mannered. Yes, many women find this to be lacking in the men in their lives. But I don’t think this is enough to trigger the obsessive mania that surrounds Edward Cullen. No, I think this is a direct result of the squalor in which our present society finds itself. In our society we’ve largely come to ignore archetypes and myths, because they are inconvenient. They are steeped in layers of meaning. Twilight has one interpretation only, and that is boy and girl overcome ludicrous obstacles in order to satiate their lust for each other. The profundity is astounding. No, most people want the easy way out: that is why they watch movies instead of reading books. There are times when taking the easy way out is acceptable. But a time when it is never acceptable is when it concerns their own minds or human relationships, and a romance novel deals with both. The fact that Twilight became as popular as it did relies on this principle of human weakness.

The problem with wanting to take the easy route in understanding one’s own mind or the dynamics of a human relationship, is that one simply cannot reach full understanding that way. And this creates and perpetuates shallow people who form shallow relationships. This is why Twilight achieved the popularity that it did. It gave women everywhere (and yes, those few men) an “idealistic” example of an easy relationship.

Wait you’re telling me. Bella and Edward did not have it easy. First, there was the vampire problem (oh, you mean the problem where he wanted to EAT her?) and then he had to keep protecting her (because he brought her into a world of dangers she would’ve never had to face had he resisted the original temptation of being her “lover?”) and then there was the whole Jacob episode (you mean where she pretty much cheated on Edward all over the place?) and then finally making the decision to have Bella become a vampire (but if they were truly in love, wouldn’t that decision be an easy one to make?). So not an easy path to love.

That’s not what I’m saying. Once you’re in love, there are all sorts of crazy problems that arise which you must overcome. What I’m talking about is the fact that they just had to have a conversation, ONE CONVERSATION, to fall eternally in love with each other. I’m not going to suggest here that love can only come over a very long period of time and getting to know every detail of the other person first. I do think love happens very quickly. But I think after one conversation, the most that is emotionally possible is intrigue. But Edward and Bella were built for each other Tell me how they complement each other, cause all I’m seeing is having the right blood type and being too stupid to be afraid of a destructive predator in the one puzzle piece, and a hundred years of practice to become the perfect charmer in the other puzzle piece. So Edward could clearly seduce anyone (which he nearly has) and Bella just has to run into the right predator (which she did, twice, evidently). Brilliant. My favorite part is how they connect not only hormonally, but also emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually.

Another reason why their relationship is easy: they sacrificed very little for each other. In fact, I might say that their only sacrifice was Bella’s family once she finally decided to become a vampire as well. Other than that, Edward was saving Bella from situations he got her into. This was not a sacrifice, because it was a direct result (as suggested above) of his selfish decision to keep her in his presence regardless of the danger he and his family and his enemies presented. He gave in to that original temptation, and Bella gave in to the original temptation of attention, and from that moment forward, the entire relationship was a series selfish decisions made in the name of love.

Now, hold on. Edward tried to repent, per say, of this temptation in New Moon. He pushed her away. Yep, he sure did, and as a result, she becomes heavily distracted by Jacob (who also happens to be a predator. I’m beginning to wonder if she had AB blood, or maybe O negative; something rare anyway). I feel it is safe to say that anyone who is actually in love with another person would not be capable of such a distraction. Yes, I do think you could possibly be physically intimate with someone while being in love with another. I do think you can sincerely enjoy the company of another while being in love. But I don’t think, when you are in love, really and truly, that any other person will ever measure up. And I think that this schema of the loved one lasts for a drawn out period of time, even if the loved one has left without hope of return. So I would argue that the entire Jacob infatuation is further evidence of Bella’s selfishness and easiness (easiness being a direct result of lack of personality).

This is what thousands of women across the planet are identifying with. A shallow, selfish individual, who takes very little control over her own life. A character who makes nearly zero rational decisions. And women everywhere envy her. They envy her because she got a “perfect man.” This envy is poisonous for two reasons: 1. Edward should not be everyone’s picture of a perfect man and 2. Envy inspires mimicry, and mimicry of such a feeble-minded female will only escalate more problems in the male/female dynamic.

It is widely known that men don’t understand women. What is less covered by popular media is the fact that women don’t understand women, and much, much less do they understand men. This leads to many cruelties on the part of women. They live by many double standards, which they can neither explain nor justify if they can actually be persuaded to recognize the existence of these double standards. As a relevant example, women want to be rescued, seduced, and protected by the equivalent of a Greek god (Adonis?) or a super hero. The problem with this is they hold every man to that standard, a standard not based on any individual, and clearly not based on anything human, but rather something like a Platonic idealized form, something of legend, where all the real facts have been lost. This is what women have come to expect, rather than discovering the hero inside of each individual man and measuring him up to that standard only. No, that’s much too hard; it’s much easier to sit and wait for a real hero, or even to sell out on our dreams and settle for less than we want and resent it for the rest of our lives.

No man deserves to be treated in such a way. This is what cemented and entrenched my disgust for Twilight: I was talking to a friend who had just started dating her boyfriend a few weeks prior, and she told me that every time she kissed her boyfriend, she pretended she was kissing Edward.

I find it absolutely unacceptable for any woman to misappreciate the men in her life because she has an idealized form of male in her head. In today’s society, this misled male apotheosis is trained into women’s heads essentially from birth. I struggle with it myself. It is part of the way women’s minds work. The key is that women should not act on it.

All men deserve to be respected and admired on an individual basis. From the sweet, romantic charmer to the serial killer, each man has at least one gift that could (and should) be praised. Women must endeavor to find these characteristics in each man that crosses their path, rather than dismissing them the instant they don’t measure up to whichever idealization the woman subscribes to. And in no case, ever, should a woman feel the need to mentally compensate for her significant man’s weaknesses by “pretending” he is a fictional character or whatever characterization of “perfection.”

The perfect man does not exist. What does exist is a wide variety of men, each with something magnificent to offer into any woman’s life. The way into relationship happiness is to find the man that gives you something no one else can or will ever give you. This may only be instantaneous, or last a few weeks, months, or years; it is not necessarily life-long of eternal. But in every moment that the equation holds true, you will have happiness. And you will have happiness in every male-female relationship, from the glance of a complete stranger you never see again, to the life partner and husband. All one must do is recognize the role a man is able to play in her life, and expect him to play that role only, and absolutely none other.

Pertinently, I’d like to add for any woman who insists on finding an Edward, that finding an Edward (which you won’t) will not solve your problems and fill you with bliss. That must come from within; it will never come any other way.

Edward Cullen’s seduction of so many women is a direct ramification of decades of societal error. It is incontrovertible evidence that as a whole, people have become lazy about their mental vigor and inter-personal health, that they have become apathetic toward a conscientious and moral lifestyle, and they have simply accepted the gender roles assigned to them by popular society (that men and women will never understand each other, and will always be disappointed by each other, because men will never measure up to what they should be). The only way to circumvent this is by individual dedication to personal improvement and acceptance of all other individuals as they are (not as you want them to be). Without these two objectives penetrating the lives of any and all individuals, Twilight and similar symbols of degradation will continue to rule the world.

Julyness

So I pretty much didn't write any blogs in July...it was a crazy month! It was crazy because I work at a movie theater and the two most anticipated movies of this summer came out: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (pretty entertaining), and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (phenomenal; I've seen it 4 times already). So I was working essentially this entire month. But now things have cooled down quite a bit.
So what did I do this month? I house-sat for a friend for the first week. Had some great adventures chasing her dogs around the neighborhood from 11:30 pm to 1:45 am on the last night. I worked all day on the 4th of July, but a friend from work and I bought some fireworks afterwards and set them off together (I was still house sitting, so not with my family :( ).
There's been all kinds of insane drama at work, so that's been pretty entertaining. Factions and dissentions seem to be rampant right now. I'm very glad I will only be there for one more month! I love my job, it is ridiculously fun when everyone gets along, but that's been getting harder these days...
Harry Potter midnight show; my sisters all wrote blogs about this I believe. At the theater we are allowed to dress up for the whole weekend instead of wear our uniforms when big movies come out, and since Harry came out on a Wednesday and the midnight showing was on a Tuesday, I dressed up from Tuesday-Saturday for work that week. I alternated days between Professor Sprout (true to my Hufflepuff heritage) and Bellatrix Lestrange (cause I felt a need for someone to dress as a bad guy). That was a lot of fun. It's always interesting the get comments from guests while you are tearing their tickets.
I got the night off for the 24th of July, so I spent that hanging out with my family. We were unable to follow our usual tradition of watching the fireworks at Liberty Park, but Jill and I got some fireworks and we just did small ones at home. The best were definitely the Tazmanian devils.
Also at work, every few weeks we have a "team awards" meeting where we have the chance to win movie products at an auction. I couldn't go to this month's, because I was working, but my friend won for me a Spock poster (28x41 inches) and a vinyl poster that is about 4 ft tall and 15 ft long of the entire Star Trek cast. Booyah!!!!
Other than that, I've just been living life in the spare moments that I can. I have tons of friends who are pregnant, tons of friends getting engaged, and a couple of friends getting home from their missions. It's a very exciting time of life!

My Best Friend's Wedding

Yesterday my best friend Diana got married. She married Scott Toronto in the Salt Lake Temple at 2:20 pm.
I've had a ton of friends get married, and even some friends I would consider to be besties, but this - this is legit. The happiness and joy, and the heartbreak and emptiness that I feel are all so strong I feel like my sternum should be ripping in two.
When I met Diana, I knew immediately that we were going to be friends, and we were going to be close - before I even talked to her. It was one of those moments that people often confuse for love at first sight, I guess. She didn't feel the same way, because she thought I was socially awkward, which is true. I am either too shy or too open, with relatively little middle ground, but somehow Diana got over it. Probably because we are perfect for each other. Our friendship isn't one where we are best friends by choice or by long association - we are best friends because we need to be. We don't have to work at all to understand each other or have twelve hour conversations or find something to do when we're together. The friendship just is, and always has been, since before man reconized time.
Here are the reasons why Diana is my best best friend:
1. Culture: Trying out and learning things from people all over the world is one of my most favorite things to do. And sometimes it is hard to find people who want to do it with me, but I never had that problem with Diana.
A. Food
Diana and I soon discovered that we both love bratwurst and virgin margaritas. That's where it started. We had a "Brat, Marg, and Moulin Rouge" night. Then we started having fine wine and cheese nights (where we'd find all the different delicious kinds of cheese we could in Rexburg), Thai food, German food after I got home from Germany, and of course, olive oil and balsalmic vinegar were staples of our diets. Mostly we love cheese and anything with cheese on it or in it was a green light. The best were our St. Patrick's Day celebrations with corned beef, red potatoes, and cabbage, and naturally, the divinity of Irish Aged Cheddar.
B. Music
Another thing Diana and I liked to do together was go to concerts. We both love classical and choral music, and grew up surrounded in it, so we liked to attend the events that BYU-Idaho has to offer. And we both love dance concerts as well, so we were often frequenters of Extravadance and whatever else we could get our hands on. Not only were we concert goers, but we were also concert givers. Late at night we'd entertain our other roommates with a few girl power favorites from Bonnie Tyler and the occasional Celine Dion. We'd also entertain each other by power stancing in bed. ;)
C. Myths and Legends
I think this was more of my nerdiness than Diana's but she didn't get annoyed or bored with it. I'd always be comparing things to Greek and Roman gods, or referencing obscure Irish legends. But the best will always be Diana's comparison of me to "The Birth of Venus" by Botticelli. :)
2. Intelligence: It's hard for me to be close to people who can't grasp or vocalize or theorize with me in my reflections on life. Never a problem with Diana.
A. Academic
Even though Diana hates philosophy and I love it, we were still biology and literature nerds together. We were both brought up in academic atmospheres and we could pretty much talk about anything we'd ever learned or studied. Which was a delight for me, because I could go on and on about sentence structure, and Diana would just laugh.
B. Social
Like I said, Diana thought I was socially awkward when we first met. She is very socially mided and well-mannered, so I had a lot to learn from her. But Diana is an amazing hostess and loves to throw parties. She'll be an excellent wife for that.
C. Nerdiness
Diana and I are both basically in love with Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars. "But you were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness!" Harry and Ron shrines. Watching the Fellowship of the Ring every night before we went to bed. Enough said.
3. Beauty: I always thought I was the sexiest woman alive. Diana may have beat me though. Maybe. ;)
A. Outer
Let's be honest, people are shallow. Thankfully, Diana entered my life at an opportune time and taught me a lot about grace and beauty, like eye make-up and how to walk in heels. Haha. And she always made me feel beautiful, even when she was telling me that I couldn't wear that shirt or do my hair like that cause it was heinous. I knew it was all out of love.
B. Inner
Even though Diana is beautiful beyond all reason, her inner beauty is far superior to her outer beauty. I am constantly in awe of the things she is capable of. She is constantly becoming a better person, and working on some project or another. She is talented in pretty much every area, especially cooking. :) There is nothing she can't do, but she has a way of making you feel like the most special person in the world in whatever area you are talented in (except no one will ever compare to her cooking!).
4. Fun: Friends are supposed to have fun together. With Diana and I, it was nothing but.
A. The Office
Diana introduced me to the Office, and I am so glad she did. "The rules of 'shotgun' are very simple and very clear."
B. Sense of Humor
Diana loves to make people laugh. She has pretty much the exact same sense of humor as I do, so it was easy for us. We have a ridiculous amount of inside jokes, which I'm not even going to attempt to list. Suffice it to say, we pretty much have our own language between us.
C. Silliness
Diana's wiggle dance. I cna't even try to describe it. You just have to see it.
5. Kindness
I've already hinted that Diana is one of the most kind people I've ever known. She can say something nice about anyone, even someone she doesn't like (and she doesn't pretend to like people that she doesn't like, either). She can even say something good about boys who break her friends' hearts. She is so forgiving, as well. There have definitely been some times when we've been upset with each other, and haven't talked for a while, but she always makes an effort to fix it (which is more than I can say for myself). She is also affectionate and not afraid to show you how she feels about you. I will never have to doubt about how much I mean to her.
6. Spirituality
When we met, Diana was the Relief Society president of my freshman ward. She was perfect for the job. She was the most dedicated Relief Society president I've had to date. Not only does she care about her callings and the Gospel, but she is continually striving to be better and strengthen her testimony. She's bound to be full of inspiring quotes about a person's worth and living up to it. Every time I've come to her for advice, she's told me simple doctrinal truths that should be obvious to me. I think her profound dedication and spirituality are what make her so wonderful in all the other categories. She is bound for great things.

When Diana and Scott started dating, it was hard for me to realize and get used to not being her best friend anymore. But Scott is amazing in almost all the same ways, and I know he will take care of her and love her. My only hope is that she knows how much I love her, and that I was able to take care of everything she needed me for when it was my place. I'm lucky to have her in my life, and I know that we were meant to be friends and influence each other, because my life has changed so much for the good because of her example. I'm also really grateful that she and I have the kind of friendship that can be easily maintained over long distances, so that I can still have her as my best friend for the rest of my life.