When I was a teenager, I belonged to this lovely organization in my church called Young Women.
I loved Young Women. I thrived on it. It was my favorite part of the week. Whenever my leaders asked me to go home and think about something or read something, I actually did. And right away. Whenever they gave me a little bookmark or whatnot with something inspiring on it, I hung it on my wall. By the time I graduated from high school, I had an entire wall, at least eleven feet long, covered from ceiling to baseboards with these little handouts. I was a Young Women NERD.
And in that moment, I desired to lead a group of Young Women myself some day in the future.
Today is that day.
And while I feel that I am still a teenager most of the time, I am thrilled about this opportunity. I don't think I'm the best leader out there, but I know I'm going to try as hard as I can, and that I'm going to love it, a lot.
I feel very lucky to have had the amazing influences of older women in my life through this program. Each of the leaders I had made a huge impact on me, and I still make decisions based on the examples they gave me, and I still want to make them proud. It was like having six more moms in addition to my own.
Not everyone gets so lucky in their delicate teenage years, even those who have Young Women in their life. I am sincerely grateful for the blessing that experience was for me.
I think the best thing that Young Women taught me was this: I am worth something, and that worth was given to me by God and no one and nothing can ever take it away. If I could teach that to one girl, I would feel like I succeeded for the rest of my life.
Women change the world. I'm grateful that I belong to a religion which believes that so fiercely they teach it to girls of every age.
Okay...I haven't posted on this blog in four months. :/
But I wanted to write a quick note before the feelings fade from General Conference.
There is nothing happier than the feeling that you have a huge family, spread out all over the world, some of whom you've never even met, who give love and support, who believe the same things you do, and who believe in you and you believe in them. Welcome to the Mormon family.
I love having leaders from all kinds of backgrounds from all over the world. I love that we come together twice every year to be taught by them. I love that no matter where I am, I can receive these messages.
I love that I can be reminded as often as I need that God loves me and has a plan just for me.
I love that I can walk with my head high and my heart with wings every single day of my life because I know that no matter what happens to me, no matter what anyone else thinks or does, no matter what crisis the world goes through, I can turn to God and figure out the best thing to do, or receive protection.
God lives. He loves each of us. He wants to be close to us.
Today, I took on a new role in my life. That is the role of Aunt.
My little sister had a daughter today. 8 lbs, 5 oz. 21 in.
It got me thinking about the various titles and roles we each take in our lives. I didn't ask for the role of being an aunt. It was thrust upon me. Not that I'm not happy about it, because I am beyond this world happy about it. :) But there are roles that we choose: wife, mother, friend. And roles that happen to us: daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother. There is a different sweetness in each kind of role. It's wonderful to think you've made the choice to be something for someone. It's a different kind of wonderful to think that someone chose you to be something for them, in a way.
I hope my niece is happy with her choice of an aunt (well, all six of her aunts, just on my side). I want to do my best to make her happy about it. Hopefully she likes the very Scottish Christmas present I got her. :)
Here is a picture of my mom holding the baby:
I'm excited to explore this new role and all its possibilities. I'm grateful for this opportunity. And I'm grateful to be a part of a family, especially one that is changing and growing. I'm excited for the prospect of my own changing and growing family someday. :)
You all thought this blog was going to pine away in wake of my Scotland blog, didn't you?
Never fear. This is still the foremost place that I will publicly express philosophical and psychological theories, as well as personal and spiritual experiences. :)
So last weekend I went to the Preston Temple for a YSA convention. Trivial details of the convention can be found on my other blog. But I really need to express another part of the convention that didn't belong on that blog.
Because this is not Utah/Idaho where everyone grows up in the Church, the convention planned only for baptisms in the temple because many YSAs are not endowed. I was a little bit disappointed because I really wanted to got through a session. But my roommate and I volunteered to help with the baptisms rather than perform them. Turns out there were too many volunteers to help, and my roommate and I were left without any duties. So, we went through a session.
After the session, I sat in the beautiful Celestial room (it was really one of the most beautiful Celestial rooms I've seen, with this fantastic window letting amazing sunlight in). I sat in there longer than I ever have before. Leaving felt like I would be inflicting a fatal wound to myself.
You see, I am in a foreign country studying something that is very easily corrupted. My classes are "rated R" based on language alone, disregarding the content of the shorts we often watch. I knew it would be that way, and I still felt very strongly this is what the Lord wanted me to do. I felt like I'd been prepared through carefully planned experiences to face the challenges of this year. And I still feel like I'm up to the challenge.
Because I have a Heavenly Father to fall back on. Who supports me through absolutely everything. He has gotten me through everything in my life so far, and I'm not afraid of anything I have to face in the future. I know I can turn to Him at any moment and be safe and uplifted.
I am incomprehensibly grateful for the opportunity I have to go to the temple and feel the Lord's love for me. As well as listening to living prophets any time I need to, to hear God's words for me specifically. This is a wonderful work, a wonderful time to be alive.
Just going to blog about two really important things in one post. Hopefully it doesn't get out of control.
Last week, on March 27, 2013, I received an acceptance letter from my #1 choice of grad school at Edinburgh Napier University in Edinburgh, Scotland in a Masters of Arts in Screenwriting program. I have researched this school and pondered about actually going to grad school for over a year. It was not a decision I made lightly.
It's a huge decision - the expenses will be paid for almost entirely with loans, so I will be incurring more debt than I've ever had. I will be moving to a foreign country - alone this time - to live - alone - for a year. I will be completely on my own when it comes to everything I need to do to survive, from eating to writing a full length feature film. Some of it will be easy, because some of it I've done before. Some of it won't be, because there are some things I will have to do that I've never done on my own before, or I've always had a fail safe Plan B for.
The feelings I felt knowing that I was in the program, and that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing - what I feel like I was made to do - were astronomical. It really was too much for my body to comprehend. Then of course, there trickled in the gravity of what I was really doing. I was consciously taking my whole life, and hefting it into a higher plane of existence. A place that I hadn't known it would go. And that was followed with doubt - how am I going to pay for it? What if the loans don't cover enough and I don't save/earn enough, and I end up homeless in Scotland, or worse, have to leave? What if I don't have the talent it takes to get a career, or even a job, from this degree? What if I fail my classes? What if I get kidnapped? Each doubt more irrational than the one before (cause we all know I'd never get kidnapped - I'd kick their trash before they could take me).
I was battling these feelings - all the while still knowing that this was the right path for me to take - this morning. And then I began to remember this:
Of course because today is Easter, but in my stake, we've had the privilege of studying about the Atonement all month with this amazing 30-day study guide: http://atonementofjesuschrist.blogspot.com/.
And I combined what I'd learned from studying about the Atonement into what is going on in my life right now. What I learned was:
Heavenly Father loves me, and each of us, so much that He sent His Only Begotten Son to stuffer every pain imaginable (physical, emotional, and spiritual) so that we would never have to be alone and we could always receive strength from Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ also paid the price for every sin ever committed on this earth, and if we accept that payment (by obedience and our own sacrifices), we can return to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus in glory forever.
We only need to call on our Father and Brother to receive the help and strength we need. We should talk to them all the time, really, because having a closer relationship with them makes everything in our lives happier and easier.
Well, here I am, desperately needing help, and with this beautiful knowledge that it is there, waiting for me to take it.
It's still scary, but I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I also know that the Lord will provide for me to grow to the capacity I need to be at to handle the challenges, as well as provide solutions to the challenges I will face...for the rest of my life.
I never would have made it this far without Him, but also wouldn't have made it without a few other people/experiences:
Obviously my parents, as well as all my sisters, who have been in examples to me in ways they probably don't even realize.
BYU-Idaho, where I realized my passions and purpose, and also learned how to be my own woman and truly find joy in life. As well as meet my two best friends, Diana Toronto and Kristen Cox, and Stephanie Palmer who introduced to me the idea of going to grad school in the UK (and is also a wonderful friend).
Living in Germany, which taught me that I am smart and capable, and I can stand on my own two feet without falling. I also made many new best friends there who taught me how to love (Miriam Blanchette), work hard (Hiu Tung Hung), and be patient (Kurt Thatcher).
Living in Draper, which has helped me refine so many edges of my personality that I feel like I'm a completely different person because of what I've learned here. I am so grateful for a bishop who challenges me to be more than what I have become. Also so grateful for my other best friend Jill Christensen who has rocked my world into epicness, and Andrew Clark and Jenna Bowman who probably have no idea what a stellar influence they've had on me. :)
The opportunity I've had to go to the temple and learn about Heavenly Father's plan for me and all of us. The knowledge I have gained there is more precious than any knowledge I will ever get from school. Also thanks to Rachel Fisihetau, Candace Larsen, and Stephanie Palmer for getting me to go regularly and keeping me going regularly.
I know that I am watched over and loved by a Father in Heaven who knows every bit of me. I am grateful to know of His amazing plan that allows me to return to Him and reach my full potential. I am excited to live His plan and do amazing things with my life (even if I don't know how it will happen!).
Today in Relief Society we listened to the talk "None were with Him" by Jeffrey R. Holland (I think it's from April 2009's conference). I remember pretty vividly this talk changing my perspective on a lot the first time I heard it, and it did the same this time.
This Mormon Message is based on the talk and is awesome. :)
So when we were discussing the talk in Relief Society there were two things that really stuck out to me.
1. Elder Holland quotes Isaiah 63:5:
5 And I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold: therefore mine own arm brought asalvation unto me; and my fury, it upheld me.
What stuck out to me is that Christ wondered that there was none to uphold him. If Christ needs friends and people to support Him, then who am I to say that I can make it through anything without anyone's help? I tend to do that a lot...shut up in myself when something happens that I struggle to deal with, and even though often I want to talk to someone about it, I convince myself not to because somehow it will end up getting worse if I tell anyone. A ridiculous, paranoid mindset maybe, but sometimes a reality to me nonetheless. But if Christ recognized a need for friends and family supporting Him, then I definitely need to be more open to that because I am nowhere near perfect, and He is.
2. I was bothered for pretty much my entire life, until I heard this talk, about the time when Jesus is on the cross and cries out that God has forsaken Him. God is perfect with a perfect love, I always thought, why would He abandon His Son? It always frustrated me so much I couldn't think about it for too long. But Elder Holland explains that in order for Christ to complete the Atonement and feel every sorrow that we would ever feel, He needed to know what it was like to spiritually die; to be cut off from God. So it's not that God forsook His Son. God was always there, loving His Son and reaching out, just as He always is with us. But the Spirit had to withdraw from Christ in order for Him to know what it feels like to sin. And that feeling is the feeling you get when deep inside you, somethig aches, something is screaming in anguish because it is so very, very alone.
I've had that feeling a few times in my life, and as I've gotten a little wiser, whenever that feeling comes I know I need to turn immediately to Heavenly Father, but I want to have something to offer Him when I come. So I always try to search my mind for something I need to repent of (not too hard). Then I pray, and apologize for my sins, and sometimes need to apologize to other people as well, or else rectify something in some way, but as soon as I start that process, the alone feeling vanishes and is immediately replaced with a rush of comfort and love, often unto a bursting feeling.
Today I wore a ring with a big cross on it to church, just because I like to conduct sociological experiments like that and see what people will say (no one said anything). But the cross took on a new meaning today as we discussed the Atonement in all three meetings of church. Christ was utterly alone on the cross, and this He did so that I never ever have to be alone. This is the absolute greatest gift I have received from Him.
Elder Holland finished his talk with this quote, which I want to reiterate for myself and for everyone who believes in Jesus Christ:
This Easter week and always, may we stand but Jesus Christ "at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death," for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone.
Christ has given me everything, and I don't want Him to ever be alone because He has never left me alone. I know that He loves me and died for me, and that has made all the difference.
