My Rights as a Woman

A little while ago I saw a TED talk about women in the workplace. The woman giving the talk shared a bunch of facts. I can't remember the exact numbers, but it was something like 15% of all executive level jobs are held by women. Which is not enough.


When I heard the fact, before she went on a tirade about how we need more women in the workplace, I thought "hey, that's actually not too bad." But then I was corrected by the speech-giver.

I absolutely support the movement to give women equal opportunity to be leaders and executives and everything else. But I absolutely feel no need for everything to be split 50/50 with men and women.

Because I don't want to be an executive. I don't even want to stay in the workplace for longer than I have to.

Some people might pinpoint this to the way I was brought up, with a stay-at-home mom. But I don't. I went through a phase from about 15-20 years old where I had no desire whatsoever to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to get married and have kids still, on some days, but I also wanted to have power. I wanted to rule some sector of the world. I wanted to make a difference somehow, somewhere.

What happened to that? you might be asking.

Honestly, I dated a guy who changed my mind.

Feminists are slamming on their brakes everywhere.

But let me point out that he didn't change my mind because he thought it was wrong of me to go into the workplace. He fully supported me doing whatever I wanted with my life. But it's because he was the perfect father, or at least my vision of what the perfect father for my kids would be like. And although we only dated for a summer, and I have moved on from him, I haven't moved on from the ideal that he gave me - the way he made me feel about my role in the world - and that was feminine. He made me feel feminine.

Shortly after that, I worked as a nanny. To be honest, I was probably not the first person that should've become a nanny. Like I said, I'd just spent several years with the idea that staying at home with kids was not for me. But as I spent time with these two sweet boys and watched them learn and grow, I could not picture a happier, more meaningful path in life for myself. This was the sector of the world in which I could see myself making a difference - with children and teenagers - with my family.

After that, I've never looked back. And I very much look forward to the day when I go into labor for the first time and never (hopefully) have to work full time again.

Is it wrong for me to want this? Is it a bad thing that I want to raise children and clean my house every day and that I expect to find a husband who will be the main provider (although I have no problem with finding a source of supplementary income which I can provide as well)? Absolutely not. That's what I want, and I'm a human being who deserves to have my own desires which are separate from what society says and thinks.

So, do we need more than 15% of executive jobs to be held by women? Sure, if more than the 15% want to hold the jobs, they should be able to. And if social structure is stopping them, we should fix that.

But for all the women who don't want to hold an executive job, whether they are happy with a lower level job, or go into another career field such as nursing, teaching, dog-grooming, farming, dancing, retail, or fast food, or who want to be a stay-at-home mom, let them be. What we need in society is not 50% of executive jobs to be filled by women. We need a clear path for all women to be what they want to be. Women should do what makes them feel fulfilled and feminine. Which for me is not working in some high-level office job. In fact, I find office jobs to be quite bad for my writing, not just my femininity.

Basically, I feel that my personal talents and strengths are better focused and realized in a home. I can organize and clean like nobody's business. I love running errands and driving around to several destinations per day - really, I do. I love laundry. I love cooking big meals. I love giving kids something creative to do, and watching them explore. I love watching kids learn new things and I watch all my friends' videos they post of their kids learning to roll over or count or whatever. And I LOVE teenagers with all my heart. So being a stay-at-home mom has pretty much become my personal dream job. And no one's going to tell me that's not okay.

Also, if everyone is going to fight so hard for women to get equal rights in the workplace so they can fulfill their dreams, why don't they fight so hard for me to fulfill my dreams by finding me a ginger husband with a kilt? Is that so much harder than 100 years of fighting for women's rights?

Exes are Not the Spawn of Satan

Recently a cultural norm has come to my attention and it is greatly troubling to me. It is this: you go through a break up, then everyone in your sphere assumes that your ex is a psycho (usually geared toward female exes) or a douchebag (usually geared toward male exes). Or a number of worse euphemisms. Point is, I think this is sad and harmful.

First of all, it's offensive to the person who went through the break up. I chose to date this guy, and now all of a sudden he is the scum of the earth, just because things didn't work out. Of course, sometimes that's absolutely true. But there are a million other reasons to break up besides the person is a parasite sucking life from every aspect of your being. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean that person is no longer valuable or deserving of basic human rights. I saw something worth dating in the first place, and it was my judgment to do so. You telling me that my ex is (insert something horrible) also tells me that my judgment is equally horrible. Maybe it is, but I find that highly unlikely in 100% of relationships.

Secondly, people saying these things were not a part of the relationship. You can never really understand all the complications and nuances that led to the break up. Sometimes it's big and obvious, but even then, telling someone their ex is awful still discounts that person's emotions. I can think of at least one redeeming quality in all of my exes, and some of them I did fall in love with. So if you tell me how evil and disgusting they are, it still hurts me, even if I know that it's not a good idea for me to be with them. If the person who had the break up says that their ex is of the devil, then fine, you could say it also. But take the lead from the actual person who had the break up as to where the feelings and emotions are at, and what's an appropriate reaction.

In the third place, every relationship has a purpose. There is always a reason a person enters into a relationship, even if it's 100% superficial. That ex fit your friend's needs at least for a little while. They made your friend happy, even if just for a short time. Just because they couldn't keep meeting that need or making your friend happy doesn't mean they should be sterilized.

Now, I know I have probably been guilty of this same thing, and I absolutely believe in the idea that if a person isn't willing to put in the work to be with you, they don't deserve you. But that doesn't mean they don't deserve anyone, or life itself. It just means you are not right for each other. That's no one's fault, it's just life. Sure, you could stay together and trudge through it. That is always an option, no matter if your ex actually did something horrendous. But most of the time, one or both of you just realize the effort it would take to make it work is effort you'd rather put into something (or someone) else. And that's called agency - a choice everyone has.

And yep, using agency hurts people sometimes. Welcome to humanity. Learn to overcome it, or your life will be miserable for its entire duration.

I'm not saying this just because I've gone through a break up and am pretty perturbed about what some people have been saying to me, but because I have been pretty perturbed about what people have been saying to me about my break ups since about 2007. People have actually said things to me about my exes needing to be sterilized or castrated. And yep, some of them were pretty awful. But they were all humans and they all had at least one glimmer of good in their hearts. So back off and let people make their choices (even if they are clearly mistakes).

So if you have a friend who has gone through a break up recently, follow their lead about expression of pain, frustration, confusion, etc. I know it's tempting to try to convince them that their ex was the worst person ever to help them feel better, but that really doesn't help anyone feel better. Instead, help them feel good about themselves by uplifting them instead of tearing down someone else.