My Rights as a Woman

A little while ago I saw a TED talk about women in the workplace. The woman giving the talk shared a bunch of facts. I can't remember the exact numbers, but it was something like 15% of all executive level jobs are held by women. Which is not enough.


When I heard the fact, before she went on a tirade about how we need more women in the workplace, I thought "hey, that's actually not too bad." But then I was corrected by the speech-giver.

I absolutely support the movement to give women equal opportunity to be leaders and executives and everything else. But I absolutely feel no need for everything to be split 50/50 with men and women.

Because I don't want to be an executive. I don't even want to stay in the workplace for longer than I have to.

Some people might pinpoint this to the way I was brought up, with a stay-at-home mom. But I don't. I went through a phase from about 15-20 years old where I had no desire whatsoever to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to get married and have kids still, on some days, but I also wanted to have power. I wanted to rule some sector of the world. I wanted to make a difference somehow, somewhere.

What happened to that? you might be asking.

Honestly, I dated a guy who changed my mind.

Feminists are slamming on their brakes everywhere.

But let me point out that he didn't change my mind because he thought it was wrong of me to go into the workplace. He fully supported me doing whatever I wanted with my life. But it's because he was the perfect father, or at least my vision of what the perfect father for my kids would be like. And although we only dated for a summer, and I have moved on from him, I haven't moved on from the ideal that he gave me - the way he made me feel about my role in the world - and that was feminine. He made me feel feminine.

Shortly after that, I worked as a nanny. To be honest, I was probably not the first person that should've become a nanny. Like I said, I'd just spent several years with the idea that staying at home with kids was not for me. But as I spent time with these two sweet boys and watched them learn and grow, I could not picture a happier, more meaningful path in life for myself. This was the sector of the world in which I could see myself making a difference - with children and teenagers - with my family.

After that, I've never looked back. And I very much look forward to the day when I go into labor for the first time and never (hopefully) have to work full time again.

Is it wrong for me to want this? Is it a bad thing that I want to raise children and clean my house every day and that I expect to find a husband who will be the main provider (although I have no problem with finding a source of supplementary income which I can provide as well)? Absolutely not. That's what I want, and I'm a human being who deserves to have my own desires which are separate from what society says and thinks.

So, do we need more than 15% of executive jobs to be held by women? Sure, if more than the 15% want to hold the jobs, they should be able to. And if social structure is stopping them, we should fix that.

But for all the women who don't want to hold an executive job, whether they are happy with a lower level job, or go into another career field such as nursing, teaching, dog-grooming, farming, dancing, retail, or fast food, or who want to be a stay-at-home mom, let them be. What we need in society is not 50% of executive jobs to be filled by women. We need a clear path for all women to be what they want to be. Women should do what makes them feel fulfilled and feminine. Which for me is not working in some high-level office job. In fact, I find office jobs to be quite bad for my writing, not just my femininity.

Basically, I feel that my personal talents and strengths are better focused and realized in a home. I can organize and clean like nobody's business. I love running errands and driving around to several destinations per day - really, I do. I love laundry. I love cooking big meals. I love giving kids something creative to do, and watching them explore. I love watching kids learn new things and I watch all my friends' videos they post of their kids learning to roll over or count or whatever. And I LOVE teenagers with all my heart. So being a stay-at-home mom has pretty much become my personal dream job. And no one's going to tell me that's not okay.

Also, if everyone is going to fight so hard for women to get equal rights in the workplace so they can fulfill their dreams, why don't they fight so hard for me to fulfill my dreams by finding me a ginger husband with a kilt? Is that so much harder than 100 years of fighting for women's rights?

Exes are Not the Spawn of Satan

Recently a cultural norm has come to my attention and it is greatly troubling to me. It is this: you go through a break up, then everyone in your sphere assumes that your ex is a psycho (usually geared toward female exes) or a douchebag (usually geared toward male exes). Or a number of worse euphemisms. Point is, I think this is sad and harmful.

First of all, it's offensive to the person who went through the break up. I chose to date this guy, and now all of a sudden he is the scum of the earth, just because things didn't work out. Of course, sometimes that's absolutely true. But there are a million other reasons to break up besides the person is a parasite sucking life from every aspect of your being. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean that person is no longer valuable or deserving of basic human rights. I saw something worth dating in the first place, and it was my judgment to do so. You telling me that my ex is (insert something horrible) also tells me that my judgment is equally horrible. Maybe it is, but I find that highly unlikely in 100% of relationships.

Secondly, people saying these things were not a part of the relationship. You can never really understand all the complications and nuances that led to the break up. Sometimes it's big and obvious, but even then, telling someone their ex is awful still discounts that person's emotions. I can think of at least one redeeming quality in all of my exes, and some of them I did fall in love with. So if you tell me how evil and disgusting they are, it still hurts me, even if I know that it's not a good idea for me to be with them. If the person who had the break up says that their ex is of the devil, then fine, you could say it also. But take the lead from the actual person who had the break up as to where the feelings and emotions are at, and what's an appropriate reaction.

In the third place, every relationship has a purpose. There is always a reason a person enters into a relationship, even if it's 100% superficial. That ex fit your friend's needs at least for a little while. They made your friend happy, even if just for a short time. Just because they couldn't keep meeting that need or making your friend happy doesn't mean they should be sterilized.

Now, I know I have probably been guilty of this same thing, and I absolutely believe in the idea that if a person isn't willing to put in the work to be with you, they don't deserve you. But that doesn't mean they don't deserve anyone, or life itself. It just means you are not right for each other. That's no one's fault, it's just life. Sure, you could stay together and trudge through it. That is always an option, no matter if your ex actually did something horrendous. But most of the time, one or both of you just realize the effort it would take to make it work is effort you'd rather put into something (or someone) else. And that's called agency - a choice everyone has.

And yep, using agency hurts people sometimes. Welcome to humanity. Learn to overcome it, or your life will be miserable for its entire duration.

I'm not saying this just because I've gone through a break up and am pretty perturbed about what some people have been saying to me, but because I have been pretty perturbed about what people have been saying to me about my break ups since about 2007. People have actually said things to me about my exes needing to be sterilized or castrated. And yep, some of them were pretty awful. But they were all humans and they all had at least one glimmer of good in their hearts. So back off and let people make their choices (even if they are clearly mistakes).

So if you have a friend who has gone through a break up recently, follow their lead about expression of pain, frustration, confusion, etc. I know it's tempting to try to convince them that their ex was the worst person ever to help them feel better, but that really doesn't help anyone feel better. Instead, help them feel good about themselves by uplifting them instead of tearing down someone else.

Dreams Coming True

When I was a teenager, I belonged to this lovely organization in my church called Young Women.

I loved Young Women. I thrived on it. It was my favorite part of the week. Whenever my leaders asked me to go home and think about something or read something, I actually did. And right away. Whenever they gave me a little bookmark or whatnot with something inspiring on it, I hung it on my wall. By the time I graduated from high school, I had an entire wall, at least eleven feet long, covered from ceiling to baseboards with these little handouts. I was a Young Women NERD.

And in that moment, I desired to lead a group of Young Women myself some day in the future.

Today is that day.

And while I feel that I am still a teenager most of the time, I am thrilled about this opportunity. I don't think I'm the best leader out there, but I know I'm going to try as hard as I can, and that I'm going to love it, a lot.

I feel very lucky to have had the amazing influences of older women in my life through this program. Each of the leaders I had made a huge impact on me, and I still make decisions based on the examples they gave me, and I still want to make them proud. It was like having six more moms in addition to my own.

Not everyone gets so lucky in their delicate teenage years, even those who have Young Women in their life. I am sincerely grateful for the blessing that experience was for me.

I think the best thing that Young Women taught me was this: I am worth something, and that worth was given to me by God and no one and nothing can ever take it away. If I could teach that to one girl, I would feel like I succeeded for the rest of my life.

Women change the world. I'm grateful that I belong to a religion which believes that so fiercely they teach it to girls of every age.

#ldsconf

Okay...I haven't posted on this blog in four months. :/

But I wanted to write a quick note before the feelings fade from General Conference.

There is nothing happier than the feeling that you have a huge family, spread out all over the world, some of whom you've never even met, who give love and support, who believe the same things you do, and who believe in you and you believe in them. Welcome to the Mormon family.

I love having leaders from all kinds of backgrounds from all over the world. I love that we come together twice every year to be taught by them. I love that no matter where I am, I can receive these messages.

I love that I can be reminded as often as I need that God loves me and has a plan just for me.

I love that I can walk with my head high and my heart with wings every single day of my life because I know that no matter what happens to me, no matter what anyone else thinks or does, no matter what crisis the world goes through, I can turn to God and figure out the best thing to do, or receive protection.

God lives. He loves each of us. He wants to be close to us.

And I love being close to him.

Roles

Today, I took on a new role in my life. That is the role of Aunt.

My little sister had a daughter today. 8 lbs, 5 oz. 21 in.

It got me thinking about the various titles and roles we each take in our lives. I didn't ask for the role of being an aunt. It was thrust upon me. Not that I'm not happy about it, because I am beyond this world happy about it. :) But there are roles that we choose: wife, mother, friend. And roles that happen to us: daughter, sister, aunt, grandmother. There is a different sweetness in each kind of role. It's wonderful to think you've made the choice to be something for someone. It's a different kind of wonderful to think that someone chose you to be something for them, in a way.

I hope my niece is happy with her choice of an aunt (well, all six of her aunts, just on my side). I want to do my best to make her happy about it. Hopefully she likes the very Scottish Christmas present I got her. :)

Here is a picture of my mom holding the baby:





I'm excited to explore this new role and all its possibilities. I'm grateful for this opportunity. And I'm grateful to be a part of a family, especially one that is changing and growing. I'm excited for the prospect of my own changing and growing family someday. :)

A Female Thing

I had a really interesting/awesome experience this week.

On Thursday I went to the temple with a couple of friends, as I do every week. This week we decided to go out of our normal zone and to the Mount Timpanogos temple. When I was ~11 I went to the open house of this temple, and thought it was the most beautiful temple I'd seen and was determined to get married there. Only once had I ever returned, to do baptisms. So I was curious if I'd feel the same way when I returned this time, now that I could see the whole temple.

When we walked onto the temple grounds, my heart sang. And by that I mean beat so fast that it sent a sweet vibration through my whole circulatory system. All temples are beautiful, but somehow this one speaks to me in different way. It is not just beautiful, but gorgeous, which sounds weird for a building, but that's just how it is.Somehow the quadrilateral structure combining with feminine curves makes the whole presence of the building delicious to me.

 While inside the temple, I was looking through one of the long tall windows, probably the one that's lit up in the picture. I noticed that the panels were etched with gradually curved lines that look like waves and sand on a beach. There are no real beaches in Utah, so I thought that was interesting. As I kept observing the glass on the window, I couldn't find a real pattern to the curves in the etching. Some were fat, some were close to each other, some were curving up when the one below was curving down, or some were parallel. And I thought...temples are supposed to be perfect. Why is there not a pattern? Why isn't this symmetrical?

Then I realized...since when does perfect = symmetry and symmetry = beauty? It doesn't. In nature, you can find patterns in many plants and even animals, but they are not symmetrical. Most of them follow the Fibonacci sequence, in which each number is added to the previous number in the sequence, starting with 1. So we have 1. Then 1+0 (because there is no previous number)=1. Then 1+1=2. 2+1=3. And so forth. In nature, the numbers of petals on a flower, or spirals in a snail's shell often fall on a Fibonacci number, as well as the ratios of size between sections of a plant or animal.






Not symmetrical, but beautiful. Just like all of us!

I know I've struggled immensely with having a consistently positive self-image, and many women out there do. Men do too, but not nearly as often. Well, women and men, perfection=/=beauty. So find (at least) one thing on you that is beautiful, and cherish it. Soon you'll realize there is more than one. :)

Happy Easter Thoughts

Just going to blog about two really important things in one post. Hopefully it doesn't get out of control.

Last week, on March 27, 2013, I received an acceptance letter from my #1 choice of grad school at Edinburgh Napier University in Edinburgh, Scotland in a Masters of Arts in Screenwriting program. I have researched this school and pondered about actually going to grad school for over a year. It was not a decision I made lightly.

It's a huge decision - the expenses will be paid for almost entirely with loans, so I will be incurring more debt than I've ever had. I will be moving to a foreign country - alone this time - to live - alone - for a year. I will be completely on my own when it comes to everything I need to do to survive, from eating to writing a full length feature film. Some of it will be easy, because some of it I've done before. Some of it won't be, because there are some things I will have to do that I've never done on my own before, or I've always had a fail safe Plan B for.

The feelings I felt knowing that I was in the program, and that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing - what I feel like I was made to do - were astronomical. It really was too much for my body to comprehend. Then of course, there trickled in the gravity of what I was really doing. I was consciously taking my whole life, and hefting it into a higher plane of existence. A place that I hadn't known it would go. And that was followed with doubt - how am I going to pay for it? What if the loans don't cover enough and I don't save/earn enough, and I end up homeless in Scotland, or worse, have to leave? What if I don't have the talent it takes to get a career, or even a job, from this degree? What if I fail my classes? What if I get kidnapped? Each doubt more irrational than the one before (cause we all know I'd never get kidnapped - I'd kick their trash before they could take me).

I was battling these feelings - all the while still knowing that this was the right path for me to take - this morning. And then I began to remember this:


Of course because today is Easter, but in my stake, we've had the privilege of studying about the Atonement all month with this amazing 30-day study guide: http://atonementofjesuschrist.blogspot.com/.

And I combined what I'd learned from studying about the Atonement into what is going on in my life right now. What I learned was:

1. Heavenly Father loves me, and each of us, so much that He sent His Only Begotten Son to stuffer every pain imaginable (physical, emotional, and spiritual) so that we would never have to be alone and we could always receive strength from Jesus Christ.
2. Jesus Christ also paid the price for every sin ever committed on this earth, and if we accept that payment (by obedience and our own sacrifices), we can return to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus in glory forever.
3. We only need to call on our Father and Brother to receive the help and strength we need. We should talk to them all the time, really, because having a closer relationship with them makes everything in our lives happier and easier.

Well, here I am, desperately needing help, and with this beautiful knowledge that it is there, waiting for me to take it.

It's still scary, but I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I also know that the Lord will provide for me to grow to the capacity I need to be at to handle the challenges, as well as provide solutions to the challenges I will face...for the rest of my life.

I never would have made it this far without Him, but also wouldn't have made it without a few other people/experiences:

1. Obviously my parents, as well as all my sisters, who have been in examples to me in ways they probably don't even realize.
2. BYU-Idaho, where I realized my passions and purpose, and also learned how to be my own woman and truly find joy in life. As well as meet my two best friends, Diana Toronto and Kristen Cox, and Stephanie Palmer who introduced to me the idea of going to grad school in the UK (and is also a wonderful friend).
3. Living in Germany, which taught me that I am smart and capable, and I can stand on my own two feet without falling. I also made many new best friends there who taught me how to love (Miriam Blanchette), work hard (Hiu Tung Hung), and be patient (Kurt Thatcher).
4. Living in Draper, which has helped me refine so many edges of my personality that I feel like I'm a completely different person because of what I've learned here. I am so grateful for a bishop who challenges me to be more than what I have become. Also so grateful for my other best friend Jill Christensen who has rocked my world into epicness, and Andrew Clark and Jenna Bowman who probably have no idea what a stellar influence they've had on me. :)
5. The opportunity I've had to go to the temple and learn about Heavenly Father's plan for me and all of us. The knowledge I have gained there is more precious than any knowledge I will ever get from school. Also thanks to Rachel Fisihetau, Candace Larsen, and Stephanie Palmer for getting me to go regularly and keeping me going regularly.

I know that I am watched over and loved by a Father in Heaven who knows every bit of me. I am grateful to know of His amazing plan that allows me to return to Him and reach my full potential. I am excited to live His plan and do amazing things with my life (even if I don't know how it will happen!).

Final Analysis of the Twilight Saga

So over the past few months, my sister Jill and my dear friend Jill have both been...pressuring...me to watch the Twilight movies. Watch, because they knew reading was beyond the powers of their persuasion. And out of a great act of love, I did. Here's my synopsis:

1. Twilight: Hilariously disgusting.
2. New Moon: Horrific.
3. Eclipse: Hilariously disturbing.
4. Breaking Dawn #1: Unnerving, and yet...decent.
5. Breaking Dawn #2:  Continuously decent, and then hilariously violent.

Now, I could probably write a huge essay detailing why I feel this way. But I will try to be precise. For more details on my views on the despicable morality of Twilight, see here. But for my more optimistic views now that I've seen the whole story, stay right where you're at.

1. Bella and Edward's relationship.

I still think that Edward is just a prettier version of Anakin Skywalker. Super obsessive and creepy. Yeah, I'll be honest. I found that kind of ardent attention attractive (in Anakin), until I dated a guy who gave me that kind of attention. Ladies: it is not exciting or flattering or endearing after about...two days. It is a burden; it causes fear and anxiety in your life. Some women are willing to continue putting up with it. It took Padme's life to do so. I almost did it, too, and thank goodness that path of my life was intervened.

BUT: Once they get married, their relationship changes. Actually, I should say, once they find out Bella's pregnant (don't get me started on the holes in the logic here, such as a 100-year-old vampire having semen) their relationship changes. According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, the "falling in love" sensation lasts about two years. After that, love requires commitment and choice and dedication and all those things that everyone warns you about. Bella and Edward's two years were long up by they time they get married. But the dedication they showed to each other in the face of this huge trial was surprising to me. And then after the "baby" was born, the continued dedication they showed to each other and their daughter was impressive. Yes, impressive. I was impressed. So that was pretty much the most redeeming aspect of the entire series. Bella and Edward were pretty good parents and the message about family unity was undeniably timely.

2. Bella and Jacob's relationship.

Let me put this out there: WHY on earth would you date/marry a creepy-face killer when you could marry an immensely attractive wolf man who completely accepts you for who you are, understands your feelings and your viewpoint, and keeps you warm at night? Done and done.

Clearly if I were on a team, it would be Team Jacob. Yeah, it's not as magnetic or electric or whatever as Bella and Edward's "Chemistry." Well, let me tell you something about chemistry. All reactions reach a point where are the molecules have spent their energy and there is nothing left to react. What lasts forever? True friendship. This is what healthy relationships are based on.

The whole imprint thing still sicks me out.

3. Overall plot arc.

I always thought the idea of a teenager falling in love with a vampire was intriguing. Ever since I read the first book, anyway. Great premise for a story. A government for vampires (thereby establishing a history and depth to their reality)? Brilliant. Arch-enemies in werewolves? Not too creative, but overcoming that for love...that has potential. All of these were poorly executed. But good ideas. Good enough ideas that they do in fact contribute to my resevoir of writing inspiration. The story contributes. Not the writing. And especially not the "no killing my main characters" stuff, and not because of a strong non-violence standpoint like Aang has (The Last Airbender). Am I happy that Fred Weasley died? Heck to the no!! It still hurts my heart to think about it. But am I glad Rowling did it? Yes. It increases my respect for her as a writer, and also in a battle of good vs evil, there has to be casualties, and just because someone loves you, doesn't mean you're safe. However, Twilight was not a story of good vs evil. It wasn't even a story of moral growth or strength. That's probably why the parenthood was my favorite part of the whole thing: because it revealed the most moral character in Bella and Edward (and the whole Cullen family, as well as Jacob). This is a story without archetypes or symbolism. It's sole purpose was to explore the aspects of love, and it doesn't even start on real love until after they get married.

4. Femininity:

I was for a long while appalled at Bella's perturbing setbacks in portraying independent female protagonists (by independent I mean thinking for themselves, making hard choices because it's what's best and not necessarily what they want, having grown-up emotions). But she almost entirely redeemed that with her motherhood. Because motherhood is the pinnacle of femininity.


So there you have it. Now I've seen the whole thing. I didn't hate every minute of it (although there were moments in every movie when I found myself asking "why isn't this over yet?" and I laughed out loud at inappropriate parts of each movie). I found some shiny (or glittering?) beacons of hope in it. But I don't feel the need to ever watch it again. Maybe if I was on lortab. ;)

My Soul Purpose

This post is inspired by Glee and The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and of course LDS general conference.

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday, and I found it to be a very touching movie. I wouldn't recommend if for everyone, but if you're like me and you enjoy stories where people face (and sometimes conquer, but sometimes don't conquer) the harsh realities of life, especially growing up, I would highly recommend it.

It touched me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I related so strongly to the main character. Fortunately, I wasn't abused as a kid; I grew up in a very stable, loving home and my parents still love and support me, all my sisters, and each other. I consider myself extremely lucky for that. Nor did my friends in high school drug me for entertainment (although some of them wanted to). But Charlie said a line in there that struck me like playing the harp with my veins. It was something like: Do you ever feel like if you really shared what was in your head, everyone around you would think you're crazy?

Like I said, I lived a normal, happy childhood (well, considering I wasn't really a normal kid), but once I became a teenager, I started experiencing things that were hard, and dark. Maybe my friends haven't shared everything with me, but in comparing experiences back then, and with friends I have now, of middle school and high school, I kinda think a lot of the things I experienced were outside of the normal range of growing up, finding yourself, dealing-with-hormones-and-feelings-you've-never-had-before experiences.

When I was in high school, I was obsessed with someone, just one person, understanding me and where I was coming from. So much so that I poured my heart out to so many people, most of whom didn't really care or honestly couldn't relate. I don't blame any of them, and quite honestly, wouldn't be surprised if everyone who went to high school with me thinks I'm completely crazy, including the ones I'm still in contact with (and thank you, for sticking around). When I finally realized that I was making things worse for myself, I stopped sharing so much, and started feeling like a normal person.

But Kelly Clarkson's song "Dark Side" put a bolt through my heart. I know, and have known, everyone has a dark side. Still I've refused to believe that anyone's is like mine. Some are certainly worse. Some are comparatively trivial. But the song opened up to me the possibility of finally letting someone back in.

Glee has often struck chords within me, addressing the challenges teenagers face in so many decisions that they are not well-equipped to make, and reminding me of the decisions I've made, and also giving me a little motivation to follow my dreams (yeah, it's cheesy, but everything about Glee is, so deal with it). In the episode I caught up on tonight, Rachel gives this speech to Finn about how he was her first love. And once again, the chords in my heart sang. My first love, he did all those things for me that Rachel said Finn did for her: made her feel visible, and sexy, and loved. And if he could do that once, when we were 17, as the only person who knew (and still knows) the depth and breadth of my dark side, I can trust and have faith that someone else can do that again. If he reads this, I want to thank him, for being the only man who ever understood me. And I hope he remembers that I will always love him.

But that's not the point of this post. The point is that I have a dark side, but I have worked hard and long to tame and control it, and it doesn't rule me. It doesn't drive me. Now it's there to remind me of my soul purpose: to do whatever I can to prevent others from feeling small, helpless, or unlovable. I'm nowhere near perfect at it, but I am going to do something every day for the rest of my life to work at it.

This song feels right at the moment. Wonderful track from Muse's new album The 2nd Law (out last Tuesday, shameless plug to check it out because it will shift your music paradigm), sung by the bassist Chris Wolstenholme. It's called "Save Me."

To conclude, I have to give credit for everything to my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. They made me who I am, good and dark, and I love every bit of where I've been to get me here. And the only reason I know I'll survive the rest of the future is through Them and Their plan. I know I have a long journey ahead, but I've learned that as long as I keep moving my legs, They will make sure my foot falls in the right place. This weekend I was reminded of that so many times, so with renewed conviction, I'm following my dreams and fulfilling my soul purpose.

What I Learned from Britney Spears

So I went on a cruise to Mexico over this past week. I'm not going to blog about it. Sorry.

But I am going to blog about one experience that I had on the cruise, the highlight of the cruise (or at least the parts where we were on the ship) for me. A truly life-changing experience.

They had a show called Carnival Legends where any old person on the cruise could audition by going to karaoke and singing a song by one of the legendary artists they were going to present at the show. I thought there was no harm in trying out. At the very least it'd give me some experience and feedback for my voice lessons.

So I went, and I signed up to try out for Madonna and Aretha Franklin. Unfortunately there were some women (who were awesome) that pleased the crowd a little better than I did. But then the DJ announced that no one had signed up to audition for Britney Spears. So I thought, why not. Another girl signed up right when I did, and I sang terribly for the audition (Britney's always been a little low for me). But when the crowd cheered for me, they erupted! I was seriously hit by a wall of screaming and clapping. It was the craziest sensation I've ever had. And thus I became Britney Spears for the show.

The girl who was Madonna actually offered to switch me, but I decided to stick with Britney because I knew the song better (Baby One More Time) and because for some reason, it just felt right.

The night of the performance came and I didn't feel nervous. For once I just felt...I practiced, I'll do my best, I'll let go and have fun and who cares what the outcome is. My friends did my make up (which I hadn't worn at all in months) and I looked fantastic.

I sang terribly. My dance moves were probably hilarious (I haven't watched the DVD yet). But the crowd of 900 that was watching me cheered. I entertained them. My off-pitch singing and my naive, curvy white girl moves were entertaining.

Afterwards, I felt great. Even though I knew I'd not sung to the best of my ability. I went out in front of a larger crowd than I ever had, I had fun, and I entertained. I was Britney Spears.

 (Sorry, I cannot get the pic to upload vertically). I loved the way I looked and felt so much, that right then and there I made some changes in my attitude.

1. It's ok to get made up and pamper myself, even if it costs a lot sometimes. Because I deserve to feel like I look amazing, and that will reflect in my mood and attitude and how I interact with others. So it's worth the extra money and time sometimes.

2. I don't have to perform perfectly in everything I do. It's ok to be human and to be less than the best, as long as you are your best. So just live and have fun. You don't have to be perfect at living. You just have to actually live. So you let go of control, and you dive head first into whatever you want, even if you have no idea how long it will last. Because if it makes you happy, helps you grow and learn, or changes you for the better, it's worth it, even if it's fleeting.

So, I came home and colored my hair a darker blonde and got bangs cut in. Because I needed to feel different and special, and also needed a physical reminder of what I've learned from Britney Spears.

Also, I listened to 3 country songs today, all the way through. Because I decided that part of jumping in and appreciating growth and change in myself should involve branching out and exploring uncharted territory. Am I a country fan? Not yet, but I think I might find some virtue in it. :)

Ain't I a Woman?

As of late, I have been pondering a lot about my role in this world as a woman. I have been trying to be a better woman...the kind of woman that when people think of me, they think of a strong female. Not a girly girl, cause that's not what I am and I never will be. But a woman who pulled her weight, who thought for herself, who worked as hard as she could on everything she took up, who was full of patience and compassion, and who was willing to give to anyone she found in need. To me, this is real womanhood.

While I have been working on these attributes that I want to acquire, I have noticed one major hang up. The more I try to exemplify this extraordinary woman I want to be, the less guys want to be around me. I have been taught to believe that men like women who are feminine. So this leads me to the conclusion that men and I have a very different definition of femininity.

This is understandable because of the currently degrading concept of gender roles, and the skewed idea of feminism. But my personal struggle has inspired me to write my own version of Sojourner Truth's wonderful "Ain't I a Woman?" speech (please review the history of this beautiful speech here.)

That man over there

Says that women need to be coupled to a man,

And enjoy being doted on, And receive

                                                                        flowers

for any occasion, wherever.

No man is coupled to me,

 And I'm not adored or respected,
                   And I don't receive any

 flowers.

And ain't I a woman?

Look at me.

Look at my arm.

                                I have trained,                       And served,

And taught myself how to live in this 

world,

And no man could break me, ever! 

                                                     Ain't I a woman?

I can work as much And think as hard as a man

—If they would let me—

And bear the stress as well.

And ain't I a woman?

I have borne no  

children,

Despite the desire to be a mother who will actually care for them,

And when I cried out,

In my barren grief,

None but

Jesus

heard me.