Defying Gravity

So anyone who knows me for more than a day should know that I am fascinated, if not completely enraptured, by gay guys. Many straight men have tried to figure out why, but I can't give them a straight answer (Puns?! Who AM I?!). Because of this fascination, clearly my favorite character on one of my newly favorite shows, Glee, is Kurt Hummel, who is both gay and of German descent. In one of the episodes, Kurt wants to sing "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, but since it's a song traditionally sung by a woman, this of course causes some commotion. This episode is based on a real experience from the actor's (Chris Colfer) life.

I was slow to jump on the Wicked train, just as I was slow to jump on many trains, and it took quite a while for me to separate Idina Menzel's voice from her character, Maureen, in Rent, and Maureen clearly does not belong in Wicked. But it was this song, "Defying Gravity," that was the last leg-up onto that speeding Wicked train.

A combination of these two things has led me to listening to Chris Colfer's version of "Defying Gravity" probably 30 times in the past four days, about eight times in a row as I type this. Really listening to the lyrics has provided me with some insights. In the Glee episode, Kurt tries defying gravity by singing a song traditionally sung by a woman. In my life, it is also time for me to defy gravity.

Something has changed within, something is not the same. Through a couple of choice experiences in my last semester of college, I came to realize a lot of things about myself and about life. Many came from my Doctrines of the Gospel class, where I came to realize how utterly worthless I am, but with and through the Atonement of Christ and the Plan of Salvation, I can receive more light than a mortal body can hold. I, nor anyone else, cannot afford to miss a single opportunity to partake of that light. I also realized some of my personal philosophies on life that don't allow me to live in mediocrity.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Because a life ordinary isn't good enough for me, I can't just take what's given to me. I have to make my destiny for myself. I can pick and choose what parts of what I've been given to take with me and build upon, but ultimately, I will make my life out of my own self. I have to go out and take what I want out of life.

Too late for second guessing; too late to go back to sleep. I've graduated now, and I can't start over fresh. I have to figure out a way to mold what I've learned into what I want, even need, to become. The only way out is up.

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap. Here I am, on the eve of moving to my first great adventure after graduating, moving to Arizona, a state in which I never felt a need to travel, much less live, to a place I've never been, with people I've yet to meet, at a job I've no real experience in, and if I surgically remove that part of me that slams on the brakes when it comes to change, my feet would leave the ground in ecstasy at the unlimited possibilities before me.

I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so. Lately I've been pondering grad school, and everyone asks me if I just want to teach. Even if that is what I wanted to do, why is that "all?" Recently I have seriously missed the study of biology, but thankfully, I learned how to read in college, and that study doesn't have to be over. Why should I just read novels and write poetry for the rest of my life? Why can't I, in addition, buy biology and philosophy, and perhaps even some physics textbooks and study them? Who says I have to be in school for that? I am interested in essentially everything, and I'm going to learn about whatever I want for the rest of my life.

Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know. The only limitations I see ahead of my are within myself, and the simple way to overcome that is change. That's what life is for, anyway, to scrape the natural man off our divine souls. That is the great lifelong challenge that I am ready and willing to face head-on.

Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost. There has been only one regret in my life, and that concerns the choice not to pursue a certain relationship at a certain time in my life. Often I have reflected on how different my, and his, life would be if I had followed my heart and not my head in that case. Happily married? I wouldn't doubt it. But I've also just realized: limited. Half of who I am has happened in the past four years. How could I live with only being a fraction of what I should be? True love won't limit you. And in the past, I haven't been whole enough to sustain true love. Some people have to learn that through a different path, but I learned it through the loss, and I praise the Lord that this was the path provided for me, because now I know that better things are over the horizon for me. And by better, I mean unworldly better.


It's time to try defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity; kiss me good-bye I'm defying gravity, and you won't bring me down. In the wise, wise words of the screenwriter for Little Women: "You have so many extraordinary gifts, how can you expect to live an ordinary life?" I want to experience anything and irrevocably change people's lives by shifting, molding, or shattering their paradigms. How can I do this while staying on the ground? I can't.

Many people have asked me why I can't just stay in Utah; why I'm always leaving. Let me ask you this: Can you leave a peach in the same spot for 24 years and expect it to still be soft, tender, and juicy when you bite into it? I'm not willing to let myself rot.

I'm including this fantastic solo so everyone can ponder what ways they can defy gravity in their own lives. If you can't handle the fact that a man is singing this, please open another window so you won't have to look at his (gorgeous) face while listening. Come, fly with me.